


Hazbabies Hotel

by deadlegato



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Too many characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/deadlegato
Summary: Baxter's new potion to make himself taller backfires when it makes half the rest of the hotel... smaller. But what does this have to do with IMP? You'll just have to wait and see.
Comments: 127
Kudos: 75





	1. Smoke and Minors

**Author's Note:**

> By "wait and see" I'm being literal, the crossover part doesn't really get going until later chapters. 
> 
> This WAS just going to be "everyone turns into a baby" but then my beta was like "what if..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Turkey Day, everyone! Enjoy your double helping of fic update, since both this and my regular angst fic are updating.

“Just one drop of acid into this solution and I will have finally completed my height increasing potion! Angel and Pentious won’t be able to mock me anymore when I’m taller than they are! HAHAHAHAH!” Baxter laughed to himself. “Just… one… drop… and goodbye short jokes.”

He opened the stopper slowly, slowly, slowly… and then… two drops came out at once.

The solution exploded in a cloud of yellow smoke, billowing through the hotel.

“Shit,” he groaned.

.

Walking through the hotel with a battery-powered fan, he announced “Hey everyone, sorry for the smoke. I was just doing some experiments. Hello? Don’t worry about me, I was wearing my gas mask. Not that any of you would worry about me, that is,” he grunted.

As he was blowing the smoke out of the front entry, he heard a very tiny meowing sound. He looked around, confused. Where was that coming from? Something brushed his leg and he looked down. He jumped in surprise when he discovered a demon kitten rubbing against his leg. “Hey there,” he said, setting down the fan and picking it up. “Did you get in when I opened the door? Huh. You sure look like Husk. I mean, you even have the same… wings… Oh, my, Satan. Are you Husk’s child!?” he asked.

“Guys, hey guys, I found Husk’s kitten! Where are they?” he asked, looking around. As he entered the main lobby, he tripped over something. This caused him to toss the kitten, which fortunately grabbed onto the drapes and hung there, safe and sound.

“Ow, what did I trip on?” he asked.

“Bad man hurted me tail!” a demon snake hatchling whimpered, breaking into tears. He looked like Pentious. He even had a tiny little one-eyed hat on his head.

“What in the…? Was there some father-son demon meeting I wasn’t told about?” Baxter asked, scratching his head. “And why are you sitting in a pile of… a pile of… Pentious’ clothes… Oh no. Oh no. Angel! Alastor! Where are you?!” He knew the girls had gone out for a girl’s day out, so he wasn’t worried about them, but he didn’t know who else might have been in the hotel.

He felt something dripping on his head from above. He looked up to see a small and very naked white spider demon clinging to the ceiling, drooling as it sucked on one of its hands. “Ew. Arg! A… Angel, get down from there! You get down right now!”

The small spider blew a raspberry at him and continued to cling to the ceiling. “You get down here right now young man! Don’t make me get a ladder!”

The spider demon giggled and skittered across the ceiling. “Gotta cath me firs!”

“Wait, hey, wait! Get back here! Get…” He looked around and realized the kitten was tearing up the curtains with his claws and the snake hatchling was quickly slither-crawling away. “Stay… stay put, all of you!”

He ran to the laundry room and grabbed one of the big bins that was used to carry comforters. He caught the kitten first, putting it in the pin. He snatched up the little snake on its way up the stairs and put it in the bin with the kitten. He set the bin down in the center of the lobby and got a broom. “Okay, little spider. Here, itsy bitsy spider. Where are you?”

He heard a wicked giggle and chased after him, finding the baby spider hanging from one of the kitchen cabinets, mouth full of candy. He was shoveling pixie sticks in his mouth like he’d normally snort cocaine. “Get down here,” he ordered, chasing after him. Finally, after a very frantic chase up, down, around, and over the dining room tables he managed to catch the spider and put him in the basket. When he got there, the snake had his mouth on the kitten.

“No, no, not food!” he said, separating them. He was panting. “Okay. Is that all of you?” he asked.

He noticed all of them were looking over his shoulder and giggling. He turned around quickly. Nothing was there, and they stopped giggling. The minute he looked back at them, they started giggling again. He turned around again to still see nothing. Looked back at the toddlers, the laughter started again. “What’s so funny? What are all of you looking at? What is…”

He turned around this time and came face to face with a floating red fawn, which caused him to scream and fall backwards, knocking over the basket. All three previously captured toddlers took off in different directions. “Did you get a boo-boo?” the floating deer asked calmly.

He was absolutely panting, his heart pounding like it was trying to escape from his chest, but he’d managed to catch all four toddlers and place them on a couch together. The front door creaked open. “Hello everyone! We’re back from the mall!” he heard Charlie call.

“PRINCESS! PRINCESS, COME HERE! I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU!” he screamed.

.

“BWAAAH HAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAA,” Cherri laughed, nearly busting a gut. “Look at old man as a little man! Oh, oh, this is too good! I’m going to die! And look at the scary Radio Demon’s little tail! HAHAHAHA!”

Niffty has put garbage bags under each confused toddler, as she just had the upholstery cleaned and she wasn’t about to let undiapered toddlers ruin that situation. Toddler Pentious kept trying to chew on Toddler Husk, who wanted to rub his cheek on Toddler Angel. Toddler Alastor preferred to stay off on his own, his radio staff having been transformed into a radio rattle for some reason. That he was still fully capable of using to bean anyone he didn’t like, as Baxter’s aching head could testify.

“Okay, I’ve ordered a bunch of toddler sized shirts and diapers from Baby Imps R Us. I paid for super-express rush delivery.”

“The… the solution I was creating to make me _taller_ … it must have backfired and made them _smaller_! I… I’ll have to create a counter solution to turn them back to normal. But until then… someone’s going to have to watch them.”

“Aw, they’re so adorable!” Charlie said, her eyes glowing. “Watching them shouldn’t be any problem!”

“Are you sure? They are still demons, even if they’re small demons.”

“I’ll even help,” Cherri volunteered. “Four baby demons, four of us girls.”

“I’ll take Husk!” Niffty said, waving her hand.

“I’ll take baby old man. That’ll really piss him off when he’s back to normal,” Cherri volunteered.

“Charlie, I hate to do this to you, but why don’t you take baby Angel and I’ll take baby Alastor?”

“I’d be fine with any of them. They’re just so precious!” she said, picking up baby Angel. He immediately threw up the excess candy he’d eaten on her shirt. “But maybe we shouldn’t pick them up until the diapers get here,” she changed her mind, setting Angel back down.

.

“Okay, I think I want to change my mind,” Cherri said once the supplies had arrived. “How do I diaper this?! I don’t even know where to put it! Hey, you handsy little demon! Fingers off the goods! Snakes don’t breast feed and I know it!”

“You think we’re having an easier time?” Vaggie asked, as she’d just had to chase down her floating charge. She’d been bonked on the head with his rattle for her effort.

“Aaaah, Angel, stop!” Charlie cried. “I just changed shirts!”

“Woah, what a little fire hose,” Cherri commented.

“I don’t know why you’re having trouble,” Niffty shrugged, as the kitten Husk was purring and snuggling against her.

With Charlie on her third outfit of the day, they finally got all the toddlers settled down for dinner. Cherri had just given up and put three diapers on the snake’s tail and figured whichever one got dirty was the one she’d have to change in the future.

“Come on, it’s yummy food! Look, there’s a picture of the turkey on the container! I know you eat turkey!” Cherri tried to encourage. The snake had his mouth sealed shut and kept turning his head away from her spoon. “Ugh, why won’t you EAT?! Fuck this, I’m going to check a parenting website,” she said, pulling out her phone.

“Fuhk dis,” Pentious repeated, laughing.

“FUHK DIS!” Angel shouted in agreement.

“You little… huh. It says it can be difficult to get cobra hatchlings to eat in captivity. You need to convince them the food is still alive. Great. How am I supposed to make baby food look alive?!”

“… You’re really complaining that your toddler is the hardest?” Vaggie asked, Alastor having teleported the container of baby food onto her head, upside down and open.

“Do not want veggies,” the fawn shrugged.

“Mine is on the ceiling,” Charlie said dismally.

“Here’s the broom,” Vaggie said helpfully.

“I still don’t know why you guys are having so much trouble with this,” Niffty shrugged, as her kitten Husk was eagerly chomping down his dinner and purring.

.

“It says on the parenting webpage that we should give the toddlers intellectual stimulation and play so they’re tired enough to go to bed at night,” Charlie read off her phone.

“What do we play with them?” Cherri asked. “What can I drool on isn’t exactly the best game I’ve ever heard of.”

“We should do something educational. Like teaching colors or shapes!”

“They don’t really need to be educated, since we can assume they’re going to go back to normal once Baxter makes the counter solution.”

“Then how about… puppets!” she said, pulling her hands out of the baby pack she’d ordered with a rabbit puppet on one hand and a mouse puppet on the other.

Pentious’ and Husk’s eyes dilated. With a dual wiggle butt, they pounced. Pentious chomped onto the rabbit, and Husk snapped down hard on the mouse.

A tear dripped down Charlie’s cheek as she tried not to scream or jump and accidentally hurt the toddlers. “Oh sure, NOW he wants to eat!” Cherri cried in frustration.

“Please get them off,” Charlie said in a high, pained voice. “They have very sharp teeth.”

“Maybe we can just put on a Didney movie?” Vaggie suggested as she helped pry the sharp-fanged toddlers off Charlie.

“No, we need to give them brain stimulating play, not set them in front of a television screen!” Charlie insisted. “And we… um… urg…” she said, turning slightly green.

“Charlie! Are you okay? What’s happening?” Vaggie asked.

“Huh, internet says cobra hatchlings are fully venomous,” Cherri informed them.

“No, Charlie, you’ve already changed outfits several times today!”

“BLAAAAAARGFF.”

.

“Is the water the right temperature?” Charlie asked nervously. A sizeable amount of anti-nausea medicine had been consumed.

“I’ve checked it three times. Let’s get them all in for a bath,” Vaggie responded to her.

The moment he saw the bath was the moment Husk’s run as the perfect toddler was ruined. His eyes got huge, his fur puffed up, his claws came out, and he hiss-yowled enough to scare even a hardened sinner. “Who, Husk, Whoa! You have to take a bath!” Niffty said, barely keeping him far enough from her that his claws were slashing up their air inches in front of her face instead of her actual face.

“HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS” was the response. “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

.

“They’re the ones in the bath, aren’t they? So why are we the ones who are soaked?” Cherri asked. Massive amounts of splashing were coming from three playing toddlers. The last one was just barely being held down by a scratched-up, less than pleased looking Niffty. “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” continued to escape from him.

“HISS!” Pentious hissed back, thinking it was funny.

“HISS!” Angel mimicked.

“Boo!” Alastor contributed.

“… Boo?”

“You know, boo, hiss?” Vaggie shrugged. “He just has to be contrary. Pentious! Don’t you dare!” she said quickly, stopping the snake from biting Alastor’s tail.

.

“Now, it says on the webpage that getting young children to bed at a consistent time is the key to teaching them to sleeping through the night.” They’d wrapped elastic ropes around a four-post bed to make a form of a mock-up crib to hold them temporarily.

“Story time?” Angel asked.

“Story time?” Pentious also asked, nodding.

“Do you have any good stories that your parents used to tell you, Charlie?”

“I remember a few,” she said.

.

“That’s a version of the Dante’s Inferno I’ve never heard before,” Cherri whispered as they left the toddlers behind, quietly closing the door.

“Dad would always get really mad that book got so much wrong, so he made his own version,” Charlie whispered back.

As they were sneaking away, Vaggie accidentally stepped on a creaky board. Immediately, four sobbing voices rang out from the room behind them. Vaggie groaned. “Back we go,” she sighed.

“Wait, it says to let them cry for a bit, so they learn self-soothing skills and not to expect you to run every time they cry.”

A moment later, the door was blown off its hinges. The toddlers, standing up in bed, looked expectantly at them. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexcept one of those children is a baby Radio Demon,” Vaggie noted.

.

“Did anyone sleep last night?” Charlie asked.

“Even my teeth are tired,” Niffty responded.

“Baxter had better get that solution ready soon,” Cherri agreed.

“How can they still be at full energy when they didn’t sleep?” Vaggie added, referring to the toddlers. Pentious, Angel, and Husk were chasing each other all over the lobby while Alastor observed.

“Maybe we should take them outside, so they can work off some of their energy and get some fresh air.”

.

“I know you’re not happy about it, but you can fly,” Vaggie said to the huffing Alastor, who did not like being on a leash. “I’m not going to have you fly away and have to chase you.”

“Angel, must you climb on everything?” Charlie groaned, exhausted as she tried to keep up with him.

The terror of the bath forgotten for now, Husk had returned to his normal kitten-like persona and was eating grass while Niffty looked over him. He would get an elevator butt when she petted him, and she thought that was hilarious.

Cherri decided to check her phone for what she thought would be one harmless, quick moment. Problem was, in that time, Pentious spotted a small creature slithering through the grass. In his toddler-sized mind, that was lunch. Getting down low, he stalked after it.

Cherri looked up what she thought was a moment later but was actually a little over five minutes later. “Oh shit, where’s old man?” she asked in alarm, looking wildly around. “I only looked at my phone for a second!” No one else had noticed she was distracted as they were too busy trying to keep their own charges from escaping.

Charlie held all three of the other toddlers while Niffty and Cherri did an immediate sweep of the perimeter. “He can’t have gotten far in this short amount of time, right?” Cherri asked, huffing from the exercise.

.

Just outside of the hotel, a stalking Pentious had followed the crawling thing up onto the sidewalk and a good distance down it. He’d crashed headfirst into another demon’s legs, since he was only paying attention to his prey. “Ow!” he complained loudly, rubbing his head.

“What in the…?” the female imp said, bending down and picking him up under his armpits “A hatchling? All by itself?” The snake looked at her with his head cocked and coiled his tail up, sticking the end of it in his mouth. “You are so adorable! Look at your tiny hat!” Looking around and seeing no one, she bundled him up in her arms. “I’m going to adopt you,” she said, taking off before anyone could appear to contradict her decision.


	2. Blitzo does not appear in this chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's also not hiding somewhere in your house with a camcorder, watching you read this.

“We’ve… we’ve searched all around the building! Pentious is GONE! Someone must have taken him! He’s been snapped!” Cherri cried.

“… Snapped?” Vaggie asked.

“Snake kidnapped.”

“We need to get some hell hounds in here to track his scent!” Charlie said. “I’m going to call some right now. Who would kidnap a little baby snake?!”

“… He’s a little thing, but there’s enough there to make a nice clutch purse. Or a pot of snake stew.”

“Cherri!” Vaggie snapped.

“I’m just being realistic! No one steals a toddler for good reasons! Especially since we’re, ya know, IN HELL.”

.

“So anyway, this is my son now,” the imp, Seraiah, introduced ZoZo-om via to her friends. “I think his name is Pen. He’s not the most articulate boy.” She was a pretty standard issue female imp, standard height, standard tail, standard but slightly curvy female build, white over only her right eye, black and white hair down to her hips with a curl at the tips. In other words, she wasn’t the kind of imp who would have caught anyone’s attention for no reason, which suited her line of work. She was cruising through Fiendbook from her couch while she talked to them, scrolling past a few pictures of a very familiar imp couple.

“Aw, he’s so adorable! Who could just leave a cute baby like this out on the streets?” her friend asked.

“Someone who doesn’t deserve him, that’s who,” she nodded. There were suddenly several loud knocks on the door, and the imps cringed. “Sorry, have to go,” she said, disconnecting. She slowly crept over. “Ye… yes… sir?” she asked.

The door was thrown open. A slightly taller, angry looking red imp chomping on a cigarette glared at her. “Where’s the money you owe me?” he demanded.

“Dad… I… I’ll get it to you, soon!” she stammered. “I promise!”

The tiny snake caught his eye. “And what in Hell is that? My worthless spawn made another mouth to eat when she can’t afford to feed herself?!” he demanded angrily. “And not only that, you fucked a reptile?! I don’t want no half-breed grandchildren. I’m making this kid into a purse and selling him on eBay,” the man grunted, pushing past her and grabbing the tiny snake by the shirt. The snake hissed, hood extended. The man’s expression suddenly got very soft, and a goofy grin spread across his face. “Don’t worry about the money,” he said. “In fact, here’s all my money!” he said, pulling out his wallet and throwing the contents in the air. “You have a wonderful day. I love you. I love everyone.” With that, he waltzed out of the apartment.

“You’re… you’re… a hyno-baby? Oh, sweetie!” Seraiah picked him up and cuddled him against her. “Mama loves you so much already.”

.

Charlie was exhausted. She just needed to close her eyes for a little bit. However, just after a few seconds with her eyes closed, she felt like someone was staring at her. She woke up with a start to find Alastor hovering right in her face.

“Am awake now,” he declared, getting right up in her space.

Baxter came down the stairs then, looking exhausted. “This is antidote number twenty-nine. Try it,” he said slowly. They put a drop on each of the toddlers. Their fur grew excessively long right where he’d applied the drop, but nothing else happened. “… Back to the drawing board,” he whimpered, wishing for nothing more than a chance to sleep. All the other adults felt the same way.

.

“The hell hounds were only able to track his scent to a taxi stop. Whoever took him must have used a taxi to get away, but I’ve talked to every taxi driver working the area. Not one of them will admit to picking up someone with a small snake. Poor baby Pentious. He should be warm and safe here. Who knows what horrible things they’re doing to him?” Charlie said dismally, trying to simultaneously give Angel a spoonful of food. He seemed to notice her sad expression, because he made a sad face of his own for a moment, then started wiggling playfully in his chair as if to cheer her up.

“Aw, Angel, are you trying to make me feel better?” she asked.

“Naw, I poop,” he replied, and a moment later, she could smell it. He’d just squished it around real good.

After Angel was changed, they continued their conversation. “The internet does say young cobras are pretty autonomous, because their parents only stick around long enough to guard the nest, not to raise them. Maybe he’s not lost. Maybe he crawled into a sewer or a hole in the ground. I mean, bright side, it’s better that we lost him than Husk or Alastor,” Cherri reasoned.

“Cherri, really?! You’re the one who lost him!”

“I’m just being realistic! And I only looked at my phone for a second. Maybe two seconds. Or two minutes. I didn’t think the bugger could move that fast!”

As Vaggie’s attention was on the argument between herself and Cherri, Alastor dumped another bottle of baby food on her head. “What’s your problem? It was meat this time!”

“Want red met, no chicum,” he fussed.

“Tee hee you say cum,” Angel giggled, which earned him a smack on the noggin from Alastor’s radio rattle. He broke into screaming tears.

“Alastor! Bad! Bad Alastor!” Vaggie scolded. “Do I… uh… do I spank the Radio Demon? Or would that be weird?” she asked.

“Weird,” Cherri and Charlie agreed.

“Aw, Husk, your face is all full of food. You’re going to need another bath!” Niffty said.

“RWEEEEEEEEERWEGWERE HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS!” Husk responded, literally bouncing off the walls in an effort to outrun Niffty.

“I don’t think any of us are going to sleep tonight. I’m going to be too worried about Pentious,” Charlie said, picking Angel up and putting him over her shoulder to burp him. “I’m going to be so tired.”

“Tired? I have transcended tired. I am in another dimension,” Niffty said. Husk wanted to sleep on her face, so she couldn’t breathe most of the previous night.

“I’m feeling pretty okay,” Cherri said.

“That’s because you LOST YOUR TODDLER,” Vaggie shouted, causing the other three toddlers to start crying again from the noise.

“Yeah, I know I should feel bad about it, but I really… don’t.”

“I think I’ve got the solution!” Baxter cried, running down the stairs. As he was in such a hurry, he tripped. The flask flew through the air, the contents being shot out of it by force and splashing all over Charlie, Angel, Vaggie, and Alastor. Nifty instinctively jumped out of the way, dodging the splash for herself and Husk.

Suddenly there was a loud poofing noise, and a cloud of yellow smoke. The four female demons coughed. “P… Princess? What am I doing in your arms?” Angel asked, confused, rubbing his head.

“Angel! You’re back to normal!” she cried, embracing him.

“Yes, but still wearing a very tight diaper!” he suddenly noticed, voice getting high pitched until he was able to rip it off.

Charlie turned red and looked away quickly. “Angel, you’re naked!” she screamed, covering her face. She never wanted to see that, and yet, she had. 

Suddenly, Vaggie realized she was holding full-sized adult Alastor … clad in only a diaper and a now very tiny shirt. The screeching noise that came out of Alastor was something that could have broken the dimensional barrier between Hell and Earth.

.

“Okay, baby,” Seraiah said to the snake in a bundle on her back. “You remember what mama told you. Stick to the plan. We could get in real trouble if we get caught. So be very, very quiet until mama tells you otherwise.”

“Kay, real kwiyet,” he agreed, nodding.

Seraiah took a deep breath, then plunged into the crowd. Everyone was so enchanted by the adorable little snake peering at them from inside her pack that they didn’t notice her grabbing their wallets from their pants or their purses as they cooed and waved at the baby. Of course, the enrapturing hypnotism the little snake was using helped somewhat.

“That worked surprisingly well!” she said cheerfully once they were safely home again and she was picking through her takings.

“I play game too!” the small snake announced, emptying several wallets out of his bundle.

“You… oh, you precious darling! That’s my boy!” she said, rubbing her cheek on his. “He’s just like mommy.”

.

“If ANY pictures were taken, I expect the pictures to be deleted and the cursed device that took the image to be burned to ashes,” a grumpy Alastor said.

“We can worry about that later. Now that you’re all back to normal, we need to find Pentious,” Charlie informed them. This would give Baxter time to make another batch of the cure, as he’d spilled all of it down the stairs. At least he’d hit some of the right targets and it had worked this time.

“Have you tried offering a reward? A little money tends to loosen stuck lips,” Angel pointed out. He wasn’t sure how much sugar he’d consumed as a spider toddler, but it was enough that his adult body was vibrating so much you could have used him for a sex toy. At least he got to pet a very happy and purring kitten Husk.

Within a half hour of the reward being posted, suddenly, a taxi driver could remember taking an imp carrying a small snake-like creature to Imp City. He’d also be perfectly happy to drive them there… surge pricing, of course.

.

Seraiah was sitting on her couch with the window open while Pentious consumed juice and animal crackers next to her. Her head perked up when she heard an unfamiliar voice. “This tha place you dropped her off?”

She knew voices with that kind of accent. She crept over to the window and peered out. A tall white spider, cyclops, and a moth girl were getting out of the taxi. A limo was pulling up behind him.

“Absolutely, pal,” the driver grunted. “Female imp carrying a snake. I thought he was a banana slug at first or I would have said something earlier.”

“Sure, you would have,” Angel replied.

“When I get my hands on that little run away, I’m going to pound him,” Cherri said.

“You were the one who stopped watching him and let him escape,” Vaggie pointed out.

Escape? Seraiah thought. Pound him? OH NO. She knew that accent indeed. This was the mob, and they were after her baby! They must have kidnapped him first! She quickly grabbed the snake off the couch. “Don’t worry, baby! They’re not getting us!”

The front door to the ratty apartment complex was broken, allowing the group from the hotel easy access. “What do we do, knock on every door?” Charlie asked, bringing up the rear. Nifty and Husk remained in the limo.

“That’s a good way to get shot, Princess. Here’s a better idea.” Angel cupped his hands around his mouth. “HEY! We’re looking for an imp with a baby snake. First person to correctly tell us where she is gets fifty bucks.”

Suddenly, multiple doors flew open. “Top floor, apartment 12A!” several demons said, glaring at each other as each was certain they’d been the first one to say it.

Angel shrugged. “Charlie, give them a fifty. We’re going up to apartment 12A.”

“Me?” she asked in surprise.

“They’re gonna be pretty cranky if you don’t,” Angel said.

Apartment 12A was on the fourth floor, but as the building lacked elevators, they’d had to leg it up the stairs. “Doors locked,” Angel said, trying it. He pounded his fist on the door. “HEY! Open up in there! We know you got our snake!”

“Excuse me for a second,” Alastor said, pushing past Angel. “Oh, look, Angel. You were wrong. The door is unlocked.”

“…Fancy that,” he said, knowing full well it had been locked a moment earlier.

“Are we breaking and entering??” Charlie asked nervously.

“Just to get our snake back,” Angel replied.

They stepped into the shambles of an apartment. They could tell a child had been there, as the empty juice containers, spilled animal crackers, and even a very spoiled diaper were still present. “Come out, impy imp,” Angel called. “We don’t want to have to hurt you.”

As he stepped forward, there was a loud beep and then a click. “SHIT!” Cherri shouted, grabbing Alastor and Angel by the collars and pulling them backwards out the door. She threw Vaggie and Charlie to the ground in the process. A moment later an explosion ripped through the apartment, flames shooting out the door.

“I know a bomb trigger when I hear one,” Cherri explained as the group righted themselves.

“There has to be a back way out of the apartment!” Angel shouted. “Quick, get around behind the building and look for a fire escape.”

It took a few moments to hustle down the stairs and outside, but they saw it. There was indeed a fire escape on the other side of the building, one they hadn’t been able to see from the front. “Husk, quick, fly up and see if there’s anyone up there!” Angel ordered. It took him a moment to realize Husk was… not available right now. He sighed, charging up the stairs himself. He was slightly winded when they reached the top of the fire stairs. “There she is!” he called, pointing at a distant imp running with a bundle on her back. “Al, get her!” he shouted, jumping back down. He could easily cover that distance to the ground with his spider abilities.

Alastor groaned. He didn’t really want to help, but he wanted this nonsense to be over. He teleported himself into the imp’s path. “Okay, you annoying little thing, hand over the… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrg!” He was _not_ prepared for her to release a barrage of pepper spray directly into his face.

“That’s my purse. I don’t know you!” she screamed, jumping over him and continuing to run.

“Really, Al? The Radio great Demon’s weakness is pepper spray?” Angel asked when they finally caught up to him, rolling around on the ground holding his face.

“I wasn’t prepared for it as I didn’t think anyone would be a big enough imbecile to pepper spray me!” he screamed back. It burned. Like, a lot.

“Come on, imp, you’re not getting away with that snake!” Angel shouted, continuing to chase her.

“If you think you’re catching me, you’re NUTS!” she shouted, throwing a heavy-looking metal object directly at Angel. He didn’t have time to dodge it before it slammed right into his crotch.

“Ooooow, hey, I need those for woooork,” he whined, falling over.

Cherri, Vaggie, and Niffty carrying tiny Husk were still hot on the imp’s pointy tail. Charlie was lagging behind, trying to round up the injured. She’d run into corner store and grabbed milk, which she’d thrown all over Alastor’s head.

Vaggie was closes to grabbing her when the imp suddenly whirled around and pointed a red laser pointer directly on Vaggie’s forehead. Cat instincts immediately taking over, kitten Husk violently pounced Vaggie with a growl, flattening her on the sidewalk. Nifty stopped to try to pry the very excited kitten off Vaggie’s face, which was currently taking his tiny needle claws in full force.

“Your cute tricks aren’t going to work on me,” Cherri yelled. “Give me back the damn snake!” She could see a pair of pink eyes peering out of the bundle at her. She knew the snake was in there. “I can see you, you little brat! You slither back here right now, snake!”

“You’re not getting him, you big-tittied mobster!” she shouted back. She leaped up and onto the top of a passing car, hanging on tightly to the antennae.

“Two can play that game,” Cherri said, leaping onto another car herself. Dangerously, they chased one another through and across traffic. Cherri finally caught up with the imp, slamming her against the roof of the moving truck she’d landed on.

“Got you. Now hand over the…”

She didn’t get to finish as the truck went under a low-hanging traffic light. It smashed her in the face, throwing her into the street, and the truck disappeared with the imp and the baby snake.

.

“Did we just get our asses handed to us by an imp carrying a baby on her back?” Angel asked as they all sat on the curb by the limo, nursing their wounds.

.

Someone was pounding very loudly on the door, repeatedly. “Blitzo probably locked himself out of the office again and needs someone to let him in,” Moxxie groaned. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see another female imp burst in.

“Second cousin once removed Millie! I need help!” she cried, grabbing onto her distant cousin’s arms.

“Seraiah? What in literal Hell are you doing on my doorstep at this time of night?”

“You’re the only one who can help me. The spider mafia is after me and my baby!” she pleaded.

“The SPIDER MAFIA? You’re being chased by the SPIDER MAFIA and you came here?!” Moxxie demanded angrily.

“You have a baby?” Millie asked. Seraiah unwrapped the bundle, unrolling a yawning, tiny snake. He was a little shaken up from the rough trip over but was otherwise fine. “Aw, look at his little hat! He’s adorable!”

“And he hypnotizes people into giving me their money!”

“Seraiah…”

“Hey, if your boss can adopt a hell hound, why can’t I adopt a snake hatchling?” she demanded.

“… That kid looks REALLY familiar,” Moxxie noticed. “I just can’t put my finger on it. But wait, wait, I don’t want to get distracted! You came to OUR apartment because you’re running from the spider mafia?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!”

“Well… yes. Hey, is your job hiring?”

“NO! We barely get paid as it is! And Loona HATES kids, so don’t even think she’d be willing to babysit. Unless you want your kid punted to the moon.” Actually, she just plain seemed to hate… most everything.

“Don’t worry, cousin. We’ll figure something out to help you,” Millie reassured her.

“No, we won’t!”

“Sweetie, how can we turn a mother and a baby out in the cold when they need our help?” she asked, and both gave him huge shiny imp eyes.

“Ugh, fine for now, but the sooner she leaves, the better.” He felt a sudden pain in his tail and turned around to realize the snake child had mistaken it for another snake and was attempting to swallow it.

“No, no, bad baby!” he said, snatching it back. It was covered in spit.

The snake sniffled before starting to cry. “You meanie, you made a baby cry,” Seraiah said, picking up the snake and rocking him.

“I am not… why is this my life? At least Blitzo isn’t here to make things more awkward.”

“Yes, I am very much not here,” a voice said from under their couch.

“DAMN IT.”


	3. The trouble multiplies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one has any idea what is going on anymore, including this author.

“Can you at least tell us why the spider mafia is after you?” Moxxie asked as Blitzo was enraptured with poking the giggling baby snake in the belly.

“I… uh… well… I might have stolen their stolen baby, just a little bit,” Seraiah said, making a small pinching gesture, her face in a skewed sheepish grin.

“YOU DID WHAT?!” This was not good for Moxxie’s blood pressure.

“Come on, would you leave a poor helpless little cute baby at the mercy of the spider mafia?!”

“Only high-ranking royals can have children. They must have kidnapped him from one of them. Speaking _entirely hypothetically_ , do you think there’s a reward for finding this kid?” Blitzo asked. The snake kept trying to bite his finger when he went to poke it, and he thought this was hilarious.

“Blitzo!”

“I’m just speaking _hypothetically_. And, um, if we’re just theorizing, how much do you theorize that reward might be?” he continued. Since he was distracted, the snake managed to bite down on his finger. He didn’t seem to mind. He’d had worse raising Loona.

“Uh-oh,” Millie said suddenly, interrupting them. “Seraiah, did anyone see you coming here? Anyone at all?”

“I didn’t see anyone. I tried to be careful. Why?”

“Because according to the imp message board, the Radio Demon has put out a BOLO for a female imp carrying a black and yellow snake hatchling,” she said, turning her phone around so the rest could see the message.

“The RADIO DEMON!? First, you piss off the spider mafia. And now, the RADIO DEMON!?” Moxxie screamed.

“Calm down, sweetie, you’re gonna have a heart attack.”

“Being dead sounds better than having to deal with both the Radio Demon _and_ the spider mafia,” he answered.

“… Out of _pure_ curiosity and not that I’d do anything like grab this kid for money, is the Radio Demon offering a reward?” Blitzo asked again.

“It says the reward is not being eviscerated when he finds out you were involved in hiding the kid.”

“Yeaaah, the Radio Demon might be a little mad at me too, cuz I kind of pepper sprayed him in the face when he tried to grab my baby.”

Moxxie turned white and fell over, a lily popping out of his chest as a funeral dirge played from seemingly thin air.

“Whoops, that’s my new text message notification sound,” Blitzo said, flipping through his phone. 

“What am I going to do?” Seraiah asked, eyes tearing up. “I love this baby! I don’t want to give him to the spider mafia or the Radio Demon,” she sniffled.

“The Radio Demon and the others are looking for a snake baby, right? So… it’s disguise time!” Millie suggested, grabbing Seraiah’s hands.

.

After cutting Seraiah’s hair shorter and using make-up to change which eye her white spot was over, the two women went out to a place Millie had in mind. Moxxie had no idea what was up, just that he’d been suddenly left in charge of the hatchling.

“Okay, kid. My tail is not food. Blitzo’s tail is not food, either. Now, you’re going to sit right there on the couch, and not move, and…”

The snake tilted his head, sticking a finger in his mouth and smiling at Moxxie. The snake then fell over, continuing to stare at him from a sideways position. He sighed, sagging his shoulders. “Blitzo, you have more recent experience with raising kids. What do I do with this?”

“You can rock him and sing to him! I used to sing to my precious Loonie all the time when she was a pup. I knew she was really starting to grow up when she started punching me and telling me I sucked at singing.” He had to wipe a nostalgic tear from his eye. “Good times, good times.”

Moxxie cautiously picked the little snake up. He wasn’t sure what to sing, so he decided that he’d just go with his favorite song about his favorite girl. The snake watched him with curious eyes, yawning more and more, until it finally snuggled up and fell asleep. He was so small, so squishy, and so helpless. Moxxie brushed a loose strand of hair out of the snake’s little face.

“They’re so cute when bodily fluids aren’t going out of them, aren’t they?” Blitzo whispered. Well, it HAD been a touching moment.

.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel…

Husk had sharpened his claws on the furniture. No, not one specific piece of furniture. The furniture. All of it. If it could be clawed, it was. Anything that hadn’t been clawed had been chewed on.

“How does he have so much energy? There’s one of him and four of us,” Charlie yawned.

“And we still don’t have any leads for where baby Pentious is, other than an imp has him,” a bleary-eyed Vaggie pointed out. It had not been a good last few days. 

“Do we need to get him back? That imp seems to like him more than we do,” Cherri suggested.

“We can’t just leave him stuck as a baby!”

“Hey, maybe the imp will raise him right and he won’t grow up to be such an old fart,” Cherri responded with a shrug. 

“Speaking of stuck as a baby, I’ve finished the second batch of the solution,” Baxter informed them. “We can at least turn Husk back to normal.”

“Thank Lucifer, I didn’t want to have to give him another you know what,” Niffty sighed happily.

He applied a drop. There was a poof of smoke… and when it cleared, there were not one, but four kitten Husks looking up at them. “What the hell, Baxter?!” Vaggie demanded. She was trying to come up with the right gesture to match her question, but she couldn’t. How was she supposed to react to this???

“I… I don’t get it! I wrote down my process! I did everything the same!!” he said, scratching his head.

“Except… last time you threw the potion. Do you think that matters?” Cherri asked.

“I… maybe the aeration is important? It’s a possibility.”

The four kitten Husks were puffed up and bouncing as they looked at one another, what many would call ‘crab puffing.’ They were so cute, but also so furious to see one another. Suddenly, one took off, and a moment later the others did as well.

“Come baaaaack!” Nifty cried. She chased one Husk while Charlie and Vaggie went each after another and Angel went after the last one. Having one angry Husk kitten bouncing off the walls was bad enough. What were they going to do with multiples??

.

Back in Imp City

.

“Taa daaaaa,” Seraiah announced, putting the baby snake in a red jacket with horns on the hood. “Now he’s not a baby snake, he’s a baby imp!”

“… No, he does not look like a baby imp. He still looks like a baby snake in an imp jacket,” Moxxie grunted.

“That’s because it doesn’t fit over his hat quite right. Let me just… oh!” Seraiah said in surprise as it shape-shifted, becoming a one-eyed stocking cap that fit tightly against the snake’s head, letting the hood part of the jacket fit better. “It changes shape. Cool. But look, this hood even has a little fake tail!” she said, waving it. “With a blanket over his snakey parts, no one will suspect he’s not a baby imp.”

“Except that he still has a grey face with pink eyes.”

“You don’t expect me to put make-up on an infant, do you?” Seraiah asked incredulously. “Oh, hush, hush, baby. Don’t fidget. I know, you’re hungry, we’ll get you yummies soon. If anyone asks, I’ll just tell ask them why they’re making fun of my baby’s skin condition.”

“Say, even though we’re not hiring for the long-term, why don’t you take over being our receptionist for two weeks so Loona can take that paid vacation she keeps asking me about? That way we can keep an eye on you and the spawn until you figure out what to do next,” Blitzo suggested. What he didn’t say was that he wanted to keep an eye on that kid potentially being worth a reward.

“Loona is getting a two-week paid vacation before any of us even get an unpaid one?” Moxxie asked, eye twitching.

“She works so hard! The stress is really getting to her.”

“Do you need your screaming pillow, sweetie?” Millie asked, handing him a large light purple pillow with excessively ruffled edges.

“Yes, yes I do,” Moxxie said, covering his face with it as a muffled howl of disbelief and annoyance came out.

The snake looked at him curiously and tried to imitate his sound. Imagine a snake trying to howl like a hell hound trying to imitate a screaming imp with his face in a pillow, if you can.

“Aw, he’s so cute,” Blitzo said. “Watch this. Ooh, I’ve disappeared!” he said, putting his hands over his face. “Now I’m back! Now I’m gone again!” The snake laughed and waved his tail around, reaching out with both hands. “Aw, babies are so stupid. No concept of object permeance. Wait, where’s my cell phone?! Someone has stolen my phone! My phone is gone!”

“… It’s on the table behind you,” Moxxie replied, lifting his head out of his screaming pillow just long enough to deliver the information.

“Oh. So it is! Crisis over everyone, back to your lives as usual,” he said, clapping his hands together theatrically. “I’ll see all of you at work tomorrow!” With that, he got down on his belly, and sort of half-slithered backwards underneath their couch. His reflective eyes were still visible in the darkness.

“I can still see you down there! Get out of here and go back to your own house!” Moxxie demanded. It was really going to be like this, wasn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little stuck on what to do for the next chapter, so suggestions and thoughts welcome hahaha.


	4. No one puts babby snek in the corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one hurts the tiny danger noodle and gets away with it. Also, more Blitzo being Blitzo. Because.

The baby snake seemed to really enjoy spinning around in the wheeled chair, pushing his tail against the wall to start the spinning. If he pushed himself too far away from a wall to start another spin, he would bounce up and down shouting in toddler-talk about wheelies until someone came over and helped him out.

“Is your phone working? Shouldn’t I have gotten a call by now?” Seraiah asked the other imps, poking at it.

“Business has been slow lately,” Millie said, being as diplomatic as possible about it. “But wait… I think I hear someone coming right now!”

Oh, she did hear someone coming all right. The door was kicked open and a cow demon of the Texas longhorn variety stomped in the doorway. She glared at the confused imps as they stared back at her. “Can we help you…?” Seraiah finally spoke up, actually taking her role as the receptionist seriously.

“Hello,” she said sweetly, having an accent that matched her appearance. “Is this the office where the imps that kill humans for cash work?”

“Yes, yes it is!” Seraiah said brightly. “Who do you want to die? I’ve got the paperwork right…”

“I want you to die,” she said suddenly, eyes lighting up red as she pulled a massive fully automatic assault riffle from behind her back.

The three imps dove behind the desk, which was fortunately reinforced against bullets for just such a possibility and steeled themselves to return fire as the cow laughed and shot wildly at them, mostly tearing up the wall. “My baby is still out there!” Seraiah whispered frantically.

“Hopefully she won’t see him, she’s focused on us,” Millie answered as she and Moxxie equipped their own weapons.

“What is going on out here…?” Blitzo asked, kicking open the door to his office. He and the cow faced one another, and she momentarily stopped firing.

“You,” she growled.

Blitzo paused in confusion, looking her over from head to toe. Finally, he lifted a finger and pointed. “I can see your udders,” he said.

A second later he was also hiding behind the desk as the bullets reigned down. “Stop, stop, I just started this job today! I have no idea what’s going on!” Seraiah shouted.

“Bad day to get a new job, little devil. I’m blowing you all to- OW!” she cried, looking down.

“Pen! No!” Seraiah shouted. The little snake was latched onto the cow’s ankle, biting hard and growling. 

“You little brat!” she said, kicking him off with enough force that he dented the wall when he hit it, sliding down to the ground.

“PEN!” The other imps had to hold a teary-eyed Seraiah back. “NO!”

The cow demon lowered the gun to the little snake’s head. “You ruined my family. Guess it’s time for me to ruin yours.”

Before she could fire, the little snake popped his hood out, and she froze, the gun hanging limply in her hand. The little snake started to crawl towards her, and with each moment, he seemed to be getting… larger, until finally, a fully stretched fifteen to twenty-foot adult demon snake was looming over the zonk-faced cow. He would have been slightly more intimidating had the oversized baby imp jacket now become a very tiny mid-drift bearing crop top with half sleeves. The imps could only stare, jaws dropped.

“How… how DARE you attack my _mother_?!” the snake demanded. He grabbed hold of one of her horns in each hand, then snapped them both off at the base. This broke the cow out of hypnosis, causing her to scream like a banshee for a few moments from the shock before he clamped his massive jaw over her head. The scream became a muffled whine. The imps could only watch in horror as the entirety of the cow demon disappeared into the maw of what had been a tiny baby snake just a few minutes ago. There was something uniquely terrifying about watching her kicking grow slower and slower and her screams getting quieter as more and more of her disappeared down the snake, even for imp assassins.

“They… they grow up so fast!” Seraiah said, wiping a tear from her eye.

.

“So you always were an adult demon, but a spell temporarily turned you into a baby?” Millie asked, wanting to be sure she understood the story correctly. This was weird, even for them. She was messing around with one of the broken horns.

“That’s right. Miss Seraiah and all of you were the best surrogate parents I could have asked for during that time,” he said, smiling at Millie and Moxxie. Then, he turned to Blitzo. “Not you though.”

“Wait, what did I… hang on one moment. Shiny Penny?!”

“Did you think I haven’t forgotten what we were on… unpleasant terms when we last saw each other?” the theater snake demanded, looking the circus imp straight in the eyes.

He shuffled sideways to tear down a picture of a snake with the word “LOSER” written on it that he had on the wall and hide it behind his back. “You’re… not still looking for vengeance over a simple misunderstanding, are you?”

“Let’s just say you’re _lucky_ I’m full,” the snake hissed back. “Speaking of which…” he burped up an ugly fake gold wrist bangle. “Bad fashion makes me sick,” he noted. “I hate to ask you for anything, but could I get enough cash for a taxi ride home? I did just stop that crazy cow from completely shooting holes through you, after all.”

.

Having had to borrow a sheet to use as a toga, the snake waved goodbye to them from the taxi. “I’ll call you on Mother’s Day, Miss Seraiah!” he said cheerfully. To Blitzo, he made an “I’m watching you” gesture with two fingers before the taxi pulled away.

“Would you mind explaining to us how you two know each other?” Moxxie asked.

“Well, it’s like this…” he said as they walked back into their headquarters.

.

Pentious was glad to be back at the hotel. That was, until he opened the door and a kitten husk nearly flew directly into his face. He barely managed to catch it.

The hotel was in shambles. Every surface, even the ceiling, had claw marks in it. He could hear cats yowling even as the one he was holding in his arms tried to bite through his scales. Fortunately, they were stronger than kitten teeth, so he was able to ignore them and slither into the hotel.

Angel was trying to retrieve a kitten from under a couch. He had little scratches all over his arms and face. A similarly beat up Alastor was trying to get one off the curtain rods, ripping down the curtains over his head in the process. Niffty had another kitten trapped in the worlds angriest purrito.

“What’s wrong with them?” Pentious asked, coiling his tail around his own captured kitten to immobilize it. It was angry and tried to bite him but couldn’t break his tough skin.

“Pe… Pentious?! You’re back to normal?!” Angel cried. “HOW?!”

“A cow threatened my adoptive mother, and apparently that threat was enough to snap me out of the spell,” he shrugged.

“Pentious, that’s rude language to use to describe a woman!” Vaggie snapped. She was trying to bandage Charlie’s arm.

“No, I mean… she was a LITERAL cow demon,” he explained. “Ugggh, I’m starting to remember why I never eat beef,” he said, picking out a fake pearl earring that was stuck in his teeth.

“Everyone, I’ve got the solution! I’ve got the solution! Quickly, lift your Husks!”

Pentious had no idea what was going, but he did as he was ordered, as did everyone else in possession of a kitten. He was double confused when Baxter hefted a container of solution at them from the stairs, splashing all over the place.

However, it… seemed to work. Three of the kittens disappeared, and the one remaining in Niffty’s arms turned back into a full-sized Husk. Like Angel, his first priority was getting the diaper off, as it was certainly not fitted for an adult’s body. 

“Is that it? Is it over?” Charlie asked hopefully.

“Looks like it, princess,” Baxter said, relieved as he wiped his brow.

“Is what over?” Arackniss asked, arriving. “… Not that I mind seeing it, but Pen, why are you wearing a sheet toga? Why is your hat a beanie? And why is this place trashed? Did you guys have a frat party theme night or something?”

“A frat party would have been less destructive,” Vaggie noted. “I think I’m going to have knots on my head from Alastor’s rattle radio for weeks,” she groaned, rubbing her bumpy head.

“It’s not my fault! Cats clean themselves by licking, and you kept trying to put me in the bath!” Husk argued emphatically.

“Ha ha, that was great when your radio staff turned into a rattle! That’s gotta be the funniest shit I’ve ever… mmmmmppph!” Angel cried, as his mouth had turned into a giant zipper that Alastor quickly zipped shut.

“I have already declared that we shall never speak of this again,” Alastor responded. He was still smiling, but at the same time, he was angry enough that smoke was rising off his shoulders.

“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!”

“Hm, glad you agree.”

“Let’s all just… just get a full night’s sleep for the first time in days,” Charlie yawned. Even Pentious, who had actually slept like a baby, agreed because he was still digesting a rather large lunch.

.

The following morning, Baxter was awakened by a light pounding on his door. He tried to ignore it, but it got heavier, and eventually he realized it had to be at least two or three demons knocking.

“WHAT?” he asked, sliding on his goggles and opening the door.

A furious looking Angel, Arackniss, and Pentious were all waiting for him. He looked at the three of them, their eyes glowing with rage. “… I mean… why are you all so angry?!”

“Explain THIS!” Angel said, angrily holding up a pink and white egg. “I found it in my bed this morning!”

“This as well!” Pentious hissed, holding up an egg covered in black scales.

“I… I… well… um… now we know where the extra Husk kittens went when they disappeared, I guess? Hang on, let me get something,” he said. He returned later with a glowing wand thing that made squeaky noises. “As I thought. The eggs have the signature energy of… well, Angel and Pentious respectively, but someone else as well.”

“Are you saying you… you got us PREGNANT?! BY HUSK?! Wait, that actually isn’t the worst thing…” Angel said, a confused look on his face as he thought it over. Was this really good or bad?

“Should we just smash them before anything else can happen?” Arackniss asked.

“I’m afraid that might cause negative side effects. They are partially the respective… um… parent’s dark energy.”

“… I just realized something,” Pentious said. “Angel and I are egg laying species, but Alastor and Niffty were also holding kitten Husks, and they’re _mammals_ …”

Angel clapped a hand on Baxter’s shoulder. “You… are so dead,” he said solemnly. Arackniss and Pentious nodded.

“You should probably start running while you have a head start,” Pentious suggested.

.

“It didn’t affect me at all!” Niffty said.

“Are you certain?” Angel asked.

“She’s so tiny, if she had one of these, we’d know it,” Pentious said, referring to the sheer size of the eggs he and Angel had woken up with. “Maybe it doesn’t work on cyclops. Or maybe it was because she had the original and not one of the copies.” He had to do all the scientific theorizing, as Baxter HAD taken off for… Lucifer knows where. “We won’t have confirmation until Alastor arrives.” Of them all, he was the one who didn’t live at the hotel. No one had any idea where he went when he wasn’t at the hotel, not even Husk or Niffty.

“Are you SURE they’re half me?” Husk asked, poking one of the eggs. They’d seated them on a blanket underneath an extra heat lamp from Pentious’ room.

“I don’t know who or what else they could be, since it was the Husk kittens that seem to have started this.”

Husk went over to the bar, picking up a baseball bat. He smashed open a glass box and removed his ‘Drink in case of emergency’ alcohol. In a moment, he was basically pouring it down his throat.

“Can’t we… have even… one normal day at this hotel?” Vaggie groaned.

“I know. If this were a television show, people would be turning it off for being too far out there,” Angel agreed. “Or emailing the authors to call them hacks.”

The others nodded in agreement. “I should tell my mom that she’s going to be a grandma!” Pentious said, pulling out his phone.

“That imp was only your mom for a few days and now you’re acting like that? What next, going over to her house for dinner and cookies? And bringing her flowers?” Husk asked, not sure he believed it.

“Of course I send my mother flowers for Mother’s Day and visit her for dinner. Wouldn’t you?” Pentious asked, confused.

“… That boy needs therapy. He’s an airhead filled with hydrogen,” Husk whispered to Niffty, who nodded in agreement. 

“We should probably wait until we know what those things are going to do before we say anything to anyone about them,” Arackniss wisely pointed out. “We can’t guarantee those are actually… babies… in there, or something else.”

“How will we know when Alastor is awake, anyway?” Angel asked Husk, pushing the white and pink egg back and forth with one finger.

Every object that could pick up radio sounds in the hotel suddenly let out an ear-piercing squealing noise, full volume ripping through the air and making it vibrate. The demons and the princess went to protect their ears from the screeching in the air. The windows rattled, and some glass even began to crack. Pentious had never been so glad in his afterlife to be a snake, as he could turn off the hearing aid that translated vibrations into speech for him and not have to hear it like the others. He could see the agony on their faces and wrapped his tail around Arackniss’ head like a fat scarf in an attempt to protect him. He could still feel it, and even with just the vibrations, it _hurt_.

“… I think he’s awake…” Husk grunt-groaned when the sound stopped.

“WHAT?” Angel asked, having been deafened by the noise.

‘This is not going to end well,’ the deafened Arackniss signed to Pentious, who nodded in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya' all said you wanted to see more baby Angel and baby Alastor... and I live to please. 
> 
> Also it's the wrong characters for this fic but it put the idea in my head so I went and made this: https://twitter.com/deadlegato/status/1338228492685729793


	5. Mothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every daddy is going to be... a mommy?

“I know you’re going to kill him,” Husk said into his cell phone. “But that was the only thing I could understand through all the static. You’re going to have to calm down enough that you can talk normally.” He then held the phone as far away from himself as he could, as a distorted combination of raging voice and radio squelching noises came out. He had it on speaker phone to preserve what of his ears he could.

“Did anyone understand that?” he asked the others.

“WHAT?” Angel shouted, still deaf from earlier.

“Come on, Al, I can’t understand… he hung up on me. Again. How long should I wait before calling back this time?”

“Maybe we should… wait until he wants to call us back?” Vaggie suggested. She was nervously pacing the floor of the hotel, uncertain of what to do next. Charlie wouldn’t want them fighting with Alastor, but if he was going to go on a rampage that potentially involved the hotel…

“I’m worried about what he might do. You haven’t seen him when he gets a bee up his ass before, I have,” Husk grunted, seeming to sense Vaggie’s nervousness.

“If what we think happened, did happen, then he’s got more than a bee up his ass,” Angel laughed. His ears were still ringing, but his hearing was coming back slowly.

“I’m glad you can see the humor in this situation,” Arackniss frowned, shaking his head.

“If you don’t laugh, you cry, and… hey, my egg is wiggling!” Indeed, the pink and white egg was wobbling slightly back and forth.

“It… it can’t be time for it to hatch already, can it?!??” Charlie asked in shock.

“We’re dealing with magical Hell-science. I think it can do anything it wants,” Arackniss responded to her.

A moment later, the top of the egg popped off and a small head emerged. It looked just like Angel… except… it had little white cat ears with pink insides. Four tiny hands emerged and clung to the top of the egg, for a moment, before inserting one of those thumbs into its mouth. It tilted its head, studying the group curiously.

“Aaaaaaw, it’s sooooo cuuuuuute!” Charlie said, eyes huge and glittering.

A second later, red wings popped out from behind it… and it took off.

“Flying baby incoming!” Angel shouted. Husk had to dive out of the way as the baby dive-bombed them. Vaggie made an attempt to catch it but missed, ending up splatting flat on her belly on the ground. The winged cat-spider baby clung to a wall when it landed, flapping the wings playfully at them while giggling.

“Baby, come down from there, okay? Come on down,” Angel tried to coax. The baby turned around slowly… and peed directly in his face.

“… If I weren’t used to this, I would be screaming externally. Right now? Just internally,” Angel said slowly, his face dripping.

“At least we know it’s a boy!” Charlie said, laughing so hard she fell backwards. She didn’t intend to be mean to Angel… but after the number of times baby Angel had peed and pooped on her, she couldn’t help but enjoy seeing the turnabout.

“Come to daddy, baby!” Angel tried to coax, but the laughing spider-kitten only climbed higher up onto the ceiling. “Husk, fly up there and get your kid off the ceiling!”

“My kid?!”

“He’s clearly half yours!” Angel shouted.

“None of this is my fault, it’s Baxter’s!”

“Does this mean I’m going to have a snake kitten?” Pentious asked, poking at his scaled egg.

“We don’t know. We’re going into this completely blind,” Vaggie sighed, getting herself and Charlie up off the floor. “In the meantime, how do we get… that… down?” She pointed at the spider-kitten, which responded by fluttering its red wings at her. Blind and helpless, this kitten was not. 

The spider-kitten scanned the area, before spotting Niffty. Eyes huge and happy, it dove for her, landing in her arms. She was shocked to find a very loving little half-breed demon creature purring and cuddling in her arms. “Aw, he likes me!”

“What are we going to name him?” Angel asked.

“We shouldn’t name them anything. They’re magical aberrations. They can’t stay. We have to figure out how to… send them back to where they came from.”

“You… you want to get rid of my baby?” Angel cried, tears in his eyes.

“Your unnatural magical abomination that just looks like a baby!” Vaggie corrected. “Uuuugh. Come on, Charlie. We need to go visit the royal library. There might be a book in there that will tell us what to do.” She didn’t give Charlie a chance to protest, immediately dragging her out to the waiting limo.

“… They don’t… they aren’t serious about making us get rid of our babies?” Pentious asked as he watched them leave, a bit wobbly in the lower lip as he protectively put his hands on his own egg.

“Princess’ girlfriend is right, Pent. They’re not normal. They don’t belong here. This could cause a huge problem for us.”

“I… I see…” the snake said, hood drooping.

“Noodle, I… I’m sorry. This is how it has to be.”

“I… I understand.” He paused, then suddenly, said loudly, “Hey, that baby is sticky with egg whites. He sure is going to need a BATH.”

Kitten-spider puffed up even bigger than normal kitten Husk could as it hissed and shrieked, turning into a tornado of fangs and fur. Niffty, Angel, and Husk were immediately caught up in trying to chase the furious fur up the stairs as he crashed through the building, flying wildly.

“Pent, why the fuck did you do that?!” Arackniss asked.

“Because… I’m sorry, Niss. I love you, but…” It was the sound like an umbrella opening, and Niss knew what that meant seconds too late. As the hypnotism hit, the poor spider was out cold, stars spinning above his head. “I can’t let you or the Princess take my baby!” he cried, fleeing out the front door with his egg.

As Arakniss lay unconscious on the floor, a nature documentary was playing on the oversized main lobby television. “The king cobra is the most protective of all snakes of its eggs,” the narrator was saying. “The mother will stand watch over the nest for most of the gestation, even to the detriment off her own health.”

.

“I can’t believe Pent knocked you out…” Angel said with a shake of his head as Arackniss held an ice bag to his head. They’d caught the spider-kitten, which had calmed down once offered a bottle of warm milk. It was actually quite adorable, seeing Husk awkwardly try to cradle such a weird little creature in his arms.

“With his hypnotism and not his fists, fortunately. The words I’m going to have with him when we catch him would be a lot stiffer if he’d hit me.”

“Where do you think he would have fun off to? His airship? His old base?” Husk asked.

“He’d know those were the first places we’d look for him. No, I suspect…” Arackniss pulled out his phone and showed them a recently posted Voxstagram photo from Pentious. He’d added a picture of himself and the female imp together. He was kissing her cheek and the photo was captioned ‘Me and mum.’

“That man is so weird,” Angel shrugged.

“You have no idea. He even started talking about getting her a better place to live and helping her find a less dangerous job.”

“You think we went to the imp?”

“I’d be willing to bet that he did. Problem is, how do we find that imp? All imps look alike to me.”

“Niss! You know that’s species discrimination, right?!”

They didn’t have time to finish that conversation, however. The air in the room suddenly changed, everything becoming wavy, like they were looking through heat waves coming off hot asphalt on a blistering sun day. The walls were… the walls were bleeding, and he sounds of desperate crying being broadcast over a crackling radio connection filled the air. The temperature dropped at least ten degrees instantly, causing the spider-kitten to mew nervously at try to bury itself into Husk’s armpit.

“He’s heeeere,” Angel said, his voice sing-song, but with an air of terror underneath it. Indeed, the door to the hotel was thrown wind open as a furnace blast of hot air rushed in, making the portraits on the walls tremble on their hangings.

It was Alastor, all right… Alastor… in a red poncho. The spider brothers both wanted to giggle, but also wanted to stay in one piece, and so held their tongues.

“Where… is… he…” a voice like the squeal of an EMS alert system being tortured came out of the furious deer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still taking suggestions for things you want to see in this. I might not use every idea but if your comment sparks a thought I'll use it :P


	6. Runaway Snake... Again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious is still on the run, and Alastor tries to come to terms with the situation.

Moxxie woke up with a yawn, stretching out his arms and cracking the sleep out of his fingers. Smacking his lips and grabbing his bath robe, he wandered out into the living room. He was going to check on Seraiah, sleeping on the couch. He froze in place when he walked out to find a huge snake sleeping on his couch, holding an egg tightly against his chest. Blitzo was asleep on top of the snake, and on top of Blitzo, was Seraiah.

He went to his and Millie’s shared tool drawer and pulled out a hammer. He then went to their hallway closet and opened the door. Inside was a massive pillow behind a glass pane that read “emergency screaming pillow: break glass to activate.” He smashed the glass and pulled out the pillow, taking only a moment to make sure there was no broken glass on it before burying his face in it and screaming louder than the time he’d accidentally sat on a cactus.

His muffled scream caused Seraiah to twitch her eyes before opening them. “Oh, cousin by marriage Moxxie! I felt bad for your boss sleeping behind your television. That must have been really uncomfortable. Then my son and my future grandchild arrived, and I just couldn’t leave them out in the cold, you understand, right?!” she asked.

“Why were you behind the television?” Moxxie demanded.

“Because you wouldn’t let me sleep under the couch or in the fridge, duh,” Blitzo shrugged as if it were the most obvious thing ever.

“And… future… grandchild?!” he demanded, staring at the egg. The snake gave him a suspicious look, hissing and flicking his tongue as he pulled his egg closer. Moxxie knew better than to mess with a protective parental serpent.

“Since everyone’s here, why don’t I call for breakfast delivery? I’ll charge it to our business account,” Blitzo said, loudly pressing buttons on his phone. He hadn’t turned off the feature that made sounds when he typed.

“I thought all your business cards got cancelled for non-payment,” Moxxie asked, eye twitching.

“Only the ones I opened under my own name,” he answered.

“… Whose name did you open that card under?” Moxxie whimpered. He was about ready to take that emergency hammer to his boss’ skull.

“Did I hear someone say breakfast delivery?” Millie asked, appearing in the doorway of the bedroom. “Be sure you order some breakfast taters, they’re the best part.”

“I love breakfast taters, especially with ketchup!” Seraiah agreed, nodding vigorously. “Although… um… you gonna be okay with us ordering eggs, bae?”

“As long as no one touches my egg, I’m absolutely fine with it,” Pentious shrugged. There was no way anyone was getting near that snake egg and keeping their head attached to their body.

.

“So, where are we going to start hunting for our missing snake boy?” Cherri asked. She had the spider kitten in her lap. He was fascinated by shiny things and kept trying to grab the toy Cherri was dangling above his head.

“Based on the Instagram posts of his imp mom, he’s likely somewhere in Imp City. Not directly in-in it, but one of the slum-suburbs where the rent is a cheaper,” Arackniss said. He and Angel had been pouring over the social media of Pentious and his ‘mom’ to try to triangulate where the two were likely hiding. “The other place we can try is the headquarters of this company called IMP, generically enough, as that seems to be where imp-mom is working temporarily.”

“What does IMP do?”

“Apparently it stands for immediate murder professionals, but unlike what I do, they’re… hitmen in the mortal world?”

Angel stopped, jaw agape. “You can… you can DO that?!”

“I guess? I mean it certainly looks like they do. Actually, now that I think about it, their office probably is the easiest place to try to find them. They’re imps. I can’t imagine they’ll put up too much of a fight when we tell them to hand over the snake, even if they are imps with guns.” He hoped those wouldn’t be famous last words.

.

The delivery was from some no-name place run by other imps. It was at least as much grease as it was food, but somehow, this made the flavor perfect. As they were laughing and talking (well, except for Moxxie, who was still fuming while eating), the egg in the snake’s lap started to wiggle back and forth. Everyone stopped and watching in excitement, bacon hanging out of Blitzo’s mouth.

As they watched it wiggle, it started to crack on top, a circle finally opening up at the very top of the egg. Curious pink eyes, wearing cracked egg as a hat, peered out at them and hissed, little black tongue flicking. It retreated back into the egg, and they weren’t sure it was going to come back out. When it finally did, it made an immediate jump into ‘mama’ snake’s right armpit, burying its face completely as it clung to ‘mama’s’ arm. It looked almost like a tiny clone of its ‘mama’, except that it had little black cat ears on top of its head, and a little pink nose with whiskers. When Blitzo tried to poke its cheek, they learned it also had tiny retractable claws that came out when it hissed and popped its little hood.

“Is it another hypno-baby?” Seraiah asked excitedly.

“It has eyes on the hood, but I won’t be able to tell right away what it’s powers will be,” Pentious answered, nudging his face against the tiny snake’s face. “I lost… I lost so many children as a human…” After all that, he couldn’t let anyone take another baby. He couldn’t. Even if it meant he had to run from the spider he loved. Seraiah gently stroked his arm, her face wrinkled with concern.

“Let’s not think of sad things,” Millie suggested. “Is it a boy or a girl snake?”

“I don’t… well, the only way to tell with a snake is… to figure out how deep the cloaca is. I would rather not be digging around there when my baby is only a few minutes old.”

“We can just use gender-neutral pronouns for now,” Seraiah shrugged as the baby snake looked around the room. “You have a name in mind?” The baby was studying her. “Can I see if they’ll let me hold them?”

Pentious cautiously passed the cat snake off to Seraiah. The little thing seemed confused and cautious at first, then settled into Seraiah’s breasts like two big, plump pillows. “Aw, grandma’s got ya, baby. No one’s gonna hurt you.”

“Can I hold them next?” Blitzo asked, eyes huge and shiny. Seraiah gently passed the sleepy snake kitten over. The baby looked at him with big eyes and grinned. “Aw, hello, baby, you little hirsute noodle nubbin” he said. “Do you want to hold my finger?” he asked. The snake kitten looked at his finger, then chomped down on it with both tiny fangs at full force. “I think they’re hungry.”

The baby snake accepted a wiggled sausage, gulping it down without chewing like a snake would. It was kind of comical to watch. After that the baby settled down, snuggled in ‘grandma’s’ arms. As a warm-blooded species with breasts, she was a more comfortable place to sleep than his bony ‘mother’s’ arms. “Perhaps I will name them Felix or Felicia for their feline side of the family, once I am aware of their biological nature,” Pentious mused, stroking his sleeping kitten snake’s hood hair. The streaks in the hatchling’s hair were grey, as opposed to the snake’s own yellow streaks.

“We should get to work, now that we’re sufficiently full,” Moxxie pointed out with a grumpy grunt.

“Maybe someone will even call us today!” Seraiah said brightly, earning her a sharp elbow from Millie.

“You gonna be okay here today?” she asked Pentious.

“I’ll just watch cable television and look after… Fel.”

“All the supplies we bought for you are still here, we hadn’t gotten a chance to return any of it yet.”

“I will certainly pay you back for it, when I can,” Pentious nodded. That, at least, made Moxxie feel a little better. He’d been wondering what card they had charged it to and how they were going to pay it off. “Getting to my bank accounts might be complicated for a while. My… my partner and I disagreed on keeping the egg,” he said, trying not to make it sound overly serious to the imps. “I am trying to avoid being found by him for the time being.”

“Keep the curtains closed, don’t let anyone see you, and don’t make a mess,” was all Moxxie said. As they locked the door, the snake was settling into the couch, wrapping his coils protectively around his sleeping hatchling.

.

Meanwhile, back the hotel, Vaggie and Charlie had returned and were dealing with a very cranky Alastor. “Should I… call my family doctor?” Charlie asked. Vaggie was bouncing the spider kitten, as Angel, Arackniss, and Cherri had gone to IMP headquarters. Every time Husk tried to pick up the kitten, despite it being technically partially his, it started to cry with a wail that could break eardrums. Vaggie was holding onto it tightly to avoid it climbing up the walls again. They had been getting a lot of use out of the broom to dislodge infants from ceilings lately.

Alastor refused to let anyone get close to him or touch him. Despite the poncho, when he moved in certain ways, they could see the lump underneath. His head was rested on a dining room table. Wiggly static lines were coming out of Alastor’s back. There was a very low white noise hum coming from him as well. No one dared get close enough to try to touch him, even to provide comfort. He’d only moved from the table to get up to run to the bathroom twice.

“Can your family doctor bring over some anti-parasite medications? Because this one is kicking me,” he grunted, not lifting his head from the table. “Not to mention sitting on my bladder.”

“I… um… I’m not sure… but… she might be able to think of something! She was the one who treated my mother when she was pregnant with me.”

“I am NOT pregnant. I am infested with a parasite courtesy of Baxter’s stupid experiments. Where is the damn fish?!”

“We don’t know, but we did figure a few things out at the royal library. It turns out to potion for reversing de-aging, the potion for cloning, and the potion for 16-hour fusion of two demons are all the same potion… except it matters whether you use anhydrous, monohydrous, or tetrahydrate version of a certain chemical. Baxter had all the forms. He must have mixed up which one he used in each potion. So first, Baxter made the cure. But the next time, he made the cloning potion. The third time, he made the fusion potion and used you with Husk’s clones.”

“I thought that man fancied himself a professional,” Alastor spat.

“We… don’t know why Husk and Niffty didn’t fuse, that part is still confusing us… but the rest of you fused with the clones, and then when you unfused… well, the spell must have gotten confused. Again, we haven’t figured out everything,” Vaggie explained, bouncing the spider kitten.

“You know, maybe we should give him a name, just to make referring to him easier,” Charlie said, referring to the kitten. “We don’t know how long we’ll be stuck with them around, since there is no precedent or reverse spell for this.”

“No! We’ll get attached to them, and then we’ll want to _keep_ them,” Vaggie argued.

“I do not want to be attached to this thing, and yet it appears I am,” Alastor said. He hadn’t taken his face off the table the entire conversation. Husk was trying really hard not to giggle. Watching Alastor suffer… well, he wouldn’t admit it, but it put some life back into his empty soul. He could tell Charlie really, really, really… really wanted to feel it, but was too terrified of Alastor to do so.

“Let’s… let’s call the doctor whether he wants it or not, and hope the spiders are able to fetch our missing snake,” Vaggie said. At that moment, the spider kitten barfed down her back. The kid had Angel’s sense of humor and ‘comedic’ timing all right.


	7. Simping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone has a fan...

“This the place? It’s… not what I expected,” Cherri said as they arrived at the door to IMP. “I mean… I expected assassins to have a discrete office, which it kiiiiind of is, but… their front door has murder professionals written on it. Is that normal for assassins?”

“Not normal if we were talking about reality, but this is Hell,” Angel shrugged, knocking. The door sounded like it was made out of layers of cardboard glued together.

“Their hours say ‘when we feel like it (or by appointment)’,” Arackniss noted. “But there’s no phone number on the door itself. I hope they arrive soon.”

Behind them, the elevator to the office building binged, and a group of chattering imps with coffee got off the elevator. What a coincidence! No one could have seen that coming. The four imps froze, looking at the demons. The demons looked back. “Are you here to…”

“OH. MY. LUCIFER!” Blitzo suddenly shouted, shoving the rest of the imps over like bowling pins as he rushed to the front. “Are you… are you Arackniss?” he asked, practically vibrating with excitement.

“Who wants to know?” the dark colored spider asked, taking a step back suspiciously.

“THE Arackniss? The hitman who can hit a fly demon on a dime from so far away even an Eagle would squint?!?! SIGN MY CHEST!” Blitzo cried, ripping open his shirt and producing a sharpie out of… somewhere. Where’d it come from?

“Um…” Arackniss looked at Cherri and Angel, who just shrugged. Not knowing what else to do… he signed it. A lot of weird things had happened to him since he got involved with Pentious, the hotel, and his brother… but this might be among the weirdest.

“I’m going to have this made into a tattoo,” he said, having to wipe a tear of joy from his eye. “Are you looking for a job! I’m always hiring for you! I’ll even… even change the name! We can be… be… SIMP!”

“Simp…?” Moxxie asked, limp in the shoulders. He did not understand his boss. He did not understand him at all.

“Spider and immediate murder professionals!” Blitzo was clearly proud of his quickly he’d come up with that on the spot.

“It’s… uh… it’s… um… it’s… nice that you… are a fan of my work… but… I’m just looking for my partner, Sir Pentious. Kind of hard to miss. Big snake. Black and yellow. Lots of eyes. We… we had a disagreement where he kind of misunderstood what I wanted to say, and he ran off because he thought… some of the wrong things.”

“… You’re… you’re the snake’s partner?! Oh. Oh no. I… I hate to be the one who has to tell you this, but the kid? It’s not yours,” Blitzo dramatically stage-whispered. Moxxie slapped his face with his open palm, sighing.

“I know that,” Arackniss sighed, wishing the imp would calm down long enough for him to properly explain the situation. “I just want to find him so we can talk things over.”

“Wait, wait, wait a second! How can we believe you? I recognize him! You’re part of the spider mafia! You were chasing the snake when he was a baby!” Seraiah spoke up, angrily pointing at Angel. “And you’re the big-tittied mobster! You were both chasing my snake baby!”

“… This whole thing is complicated,” Arackniss sighed. “Can we explain this in your office?”

…

“I’ll never wash this chair again,” Blitzo said happily as Arackniss finished the story. Oh, if only Blitzo realized the irony of the fact that he was acting exactly like Stolas did to him. And it was creeping the spider out just as much.

“Sinners are weird,” Seraiah said with a frown. “I’m so confused. I’m glad I’m an imp.”

“I know, it reads like bad fanfiction,” Millie nodded.

“What’s fanfiction?” Arackniss asked.

“DON’T ASK!” Angel shouted. After a moment where they stared at him in confusion, he shook his head, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Just trust me. If you don’t know what fanfiction is, you don’t want to know. You don’t have the slash goggles for it.”

“The… who the what the…”

“Just pretend you never heard those words,” Cherri advised. She’d read Angel Dust fanfiction. Perhaps she’d even… written some.

“He sounds really sincere, hun,” Millie noted with a nod.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I believe him as well. There’s no way he would make up a story that stupid if he was going to lie to us,” Moxxie agreed.

“Why don’t you take them to our place so they can talk it over?”

“I’d be more comfortable if you took them.” Moxxie didn’t want there to be a potential situation where Millie and Blitzo went on a mission without him. He didn’t trust Blitzo further than he could yeet him, and that wasn’t very far. Blitzo, however, took this to mean Moxxie wanted to spend more time with him and let out a small squeak of glee. He really was the best boss!

“I know this will leave you temporarily without a receptionist, but I think I should go too. After all, this does involve my son and grandchild,” Seraiah noted. That was okay with Moxxie. No receptionist meant no surprise jobs, he hoped.

.

“Hey, Al?” Charlie asked nervously, slowly approaching him. His smile was horrifically forced, a plastic mask of grinning terror. He was normally scary. Now? He was dead cold terrifying.

“What?” he grunted through gritted teeth.

“… Weeeelll, the news is saying…”

“The news is saying Voxify and Voxtube music services are… behaving strangely. Every channel is playing baby music or electroswing.”

“…. PPPPPFFFFT, thank you, my dear Charlie. A joke like that is what I needed at a time like this.”

“She’s not joking,” Vaggie said. “Are you saying you really had nothing to do with it?”

“I have not an idea what is going on, but I am thoroughly enjoying the idea.”

“… Do you think the baby… is…” Charlie said with the tremor still in her voice.

“….” Dead air static from Alastor.

“Fuck. The radio demon is pregnant with the streaming music demon!” Vaggie cried, throwing her hands into the air. “Could this get any weirder!” Her voice must have bothered the baby spider kitten, as it started to hic and sob in response to her shout. She sighed and went to get the baby from its crib.

A moment later, she ran back into the room, chasing the spider kitten as it skittered across the ceiling. “Get back here! I don’t know how you got out of your diaper but get back here before you make a mess!” she shouted, chasing it up and over the furniture.

.

“Miss Millie? You’re back early. You…” Pentious froze up when he saw Arackniss, gripping his snitty tighter to his chest. From the way his eyes dilated and the way his tongue was flicking, Arackniss knew he was looking for a way out.

“Wait, wait, don’t panic! I’m not here to hurt you, and I’m not here to take your… kitten… snake… thing. I just want to talk to you. Convince you to come back to the hotel.”

“I’m not going back to the hotel if the Princess is determined to take my baby!”

“Pent… Pent, I know that you know that’s… not a real baby.”

“It’s… it’s real enough to me. Niss, you don’t understand. In the times I lived… I lost multiple children. I’ve looked, and looked, and… I never found any of them down here… I don’t know if they went to Heaven, if I just can’t find them, if they were cleansed before I could find them, or if… it… they just don’t want me to find them,” he finished softly. “I wish I’d been able to tell you all of this before I ran, but…”

“You big, squishy, stupid noodle. Gimme a hug. We’ll figure this out, okay? If there’s… if there’s any way to keep that, we’ll figure it out. You know the princess feels the same way, right? Come on, let’s go back to the hotel.”

“Aaaaaaw….” The other four said in unison, causing both snake and spider to flush. The snitty sneezed. Perhaps it was allergic to cuteness, despite being the definition of cuteness itself.

Angel’s phone started ringing. “Hello, Princess?” he answered. “… What’s going on? WHAT!? That’s… that’s hilarious!! That’s… okay, okay, we get it. We get it. We’ll get back to hotel as fast as we can, we’ve found the snake.”

“Can I be of any help?” Seraiah asked. “I’m really good with babies.”

“Given the current… situation… that isn’t a terrible idea,” Pentious said. “We could use some extra helping hands with the babies at the hotel.”

“What’s happening at the hotel that we need to hurry back there, though??” Cherri asked.

“Less what’s happening at the hotel and more what is happening to the entire internet. I’ll explain on the taxi ride back,” Angel answered her. “I want everyone sitting down when I explain it. I don’t want anyone to fall over laughing and hurt themselves.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where is this fic going next? I don't know. I'm still taking suggestions, lol. :P If you've read this far, you know what has happened from letting ya'all help write it so far.


	8. Weird Al

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You want Vox? You get Vox. The plot thickens, as does Alastor's waistline. What will happen next?! Even I don't know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic already had too many characters and now I have to tag two more? Dang.

Several days later…

“You figured out the source of the hack yet, Voxy?” Velvet asked, munching on popcorn and chugging a two-liter soda by herself. She was enjoying watching social media blow up in a combination of confusion, laughter, and outright rage over the interruption to their usual music streaming services. The first day it had happened, even Vox found it kind of funny. Now, almost a week later? He was pissed. It was getting late in the day, close to dark, and he hadn’t found the source of the problem yet. If Val had one more night of interrupted music at the club, he was really going to get his screen shattered.

“I’ve never seen a power signature like this one before,” he grunted in response, studying a screen that was flashing through numbers and code faster than Velvet could possibly follow. It was like he was watching the Matrix, literally. Not the movie, the code from the movie. “It has a certain familiarity to it that I can’t quite place yet, but it’s different.”

“You mean we might be dealing with some new powerful hot shot?” Velvet asked, excited. 

“If we are, they’re as strong right out of the gate as the rumors said that cursed Radio Demon was… wait, wait, yes! That’s the familiarity! It has a hint of the Radio Demon’s work, but it’s different. And since that gives me another parameter to input into my search…” He watched the code change, electronic eyes narrowing. “The source is that damned hotel. I think I might have to pay my old enemy a… visit.”

.

“Angel Two, I swear, if you don’t get off that ceiling right now…” Vaggie growled. The baby spider kitten stuck its thumb against its nose and wiggled its fingers at her in a rude way, sticking out its pink tongue in the process. It was blowing a raspberry at her.

“Here, sweetheart, let the professional help,” Seraiah offered, Feli asleep on her shoulder. Feli was a very sleepy baby snitty. “Angel Two, down. Now. Or mommy is going to get very, very cross with you,” she ordered, pointing at the ground. Sheepishly, the little spider kitten climbed down and sat on the floor, pouting. Seraiah reached down at scooped him up with her free hand, letting him snuggle against her boob pillows.

“How… how _do_ you do that?”

“It’s the mommy glare,” Seraiah shrugged. “I don’t have any kids of my own, but my parents were useless, so practically raised my siblings.”

“Gee, it’s not like we would know anything about useless parents here…” Vaggie said, rolling her eye.

“I work nights!” Angel protested. “I need to get my sleep or Val will use me as his personal punching bag. Why not yell at Husk about taking care of him?”

“Every time I pick him up, he starts crying,” Husk countered. He’d consumed his emergency, emergency-emergency, and fuck it’s the apocalypse emergency supplies of booze by that time. He still didn’t feel drunk enough to handle suddenly having two and a half demonic offspring. Especially not by Pentious, Angel, and… Alastor.

“Maybe if you didn’t have such a sour puss for a pussy he wouldn’t. Also, when you gonna start paying me child support?”

“How about when pigs fly and Hell freezes over?”

“Hey, snake boy, I need a jet pack for Nuggs,” Angel called to Pentious. Pentious was trying to pour over the books on magic Vaggie and Charlie brought back from the royal library.

“Any luck figuring this spell thing out, Noodle?” Arackniss asked.

“I’m an engineer, not a chemist. This is like asking me to translate Spanish when I was trained in Italian. I get the gist of it, but the specifics…” Pentious sighed. His head hurt. Hell, his _hat’s_ head hurt.

“So, you still don’t have any ideas on how to help… well…” Angel jerked a thumb backwards at Alastor. Despite forcing his mouth to smile through the entire thing, his eyes were a completely blank mess of static with the words “off air” faintly written in them. He was sitting at the dining room table, and they weren’t certain if he was staring off into space, or if he could even see at all with his eyes like that. The size of his midsection has increased significantly, to the point where he had had to acquire a massively oversized Hawaiian shirt in order to cover it. “He looks about ready to pop like a cork in a shaken bottle of soda.”

“I wish I could give some advice, or say I’d discovered anything that could be assistance… but I cannot,” Pentious sighed, deflated. He shook his head for emphasis.

“It’s too bad he’s so zoned out of it. He would have loved hearing about what happened at the club last night. I’m in the middle of my routine and suddenly, BAM! No more sexy music, just Baby Shark on repeat. Then I’m laughing, the bouncers are laughing, the guys who are there for a strip show are pissed off, and Val was madder than a hornet stuck in a can of zero calorie soda. Only reason I got off easy is because he was too busy being mad at Vox for the interruption to really notice me.”

“Vox is the one with the television head, right?” Niffty asked from the front entry way.

“Right, that’s him.”

“Oh. I only ask because he’s coming up the walk to the front of the hotel.”

The group all froze, except for Alastor, who contrarily snapped out of his frozen state. “I can’t have that pompous twit seeing me like this!” he panicked, trying to get up from the table.

“Sit back down, you’re too slow with that waddle. You’ll never make it out of the room before he’s at the door!” Angel demanded. “Everyone else, quick! Get over here!”

.

“Hello?” Vox asked politely, uncertainly opening the door. Even if he didn’t really take the princess of Hell seriously, he had the possibility of an unpleasant run in with her parents in the back of his electronic mind.

“Hiya hotellies!” Velvet shouted from behind him. She had… no sense of the difference between an indoor and outdoor voice.

“Did you have to come with me?” Vox grunted in annoyance, stepping inside and looking around the building.

“Val’s busy and I’m boooooored,” she said. “This place is schwanky,” she said, taking a photograph of the stained glass in the entry way.

“Hello? Is anyone… in?” he asked, peering around corners. He finally looked into the dining room and saw all the hotel staff and apparently the residents as well standing in a straight line, smiling at him like some kind of weird picket fence made of demons.

“Hello, welcome to the Happy Hotel!” Charlie said brightly, her voice tremoring a bit with nervousness. “What brings an Overlord here?”

“You mean an Overlord besides the one who usually spends more of his time here than makes any sort of logical sense? The one I have, coincidentally, come to have words with?”

“I’m… I’m afraid Al isn’t… available right now…” Charlie stammered. She couldn’t say he wasn’t there, as he was hiding behind the fence of demons. “We can have him call you when he becomes free, if you would like.”

“Well, perhaps he isn’t the demon I need to speak to in his situation. You see, someone has been interfering with my streaming music services. Someone who seems to be getting help from the Radio Demon. Someone whose signature traces back to this very hotel.”

“I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone meeting that description, can you?” Charlie asked the others, and they all shook their heads. Once again, not… technically a lie.

“Look. I’m not leaving until I find out who is messing with the music. I know they’re at this hotel, and I know the Radio Demon has something to do with it. If it is necessary, I will stand right here in this entry until you find him so I can get to the bottom of this nonsense.” He crossed his arms, narrowed his eyes, and took a solid stance to try to indicate he meant business. Well, crap.

Behind him, Velvet had laid down so that she could get a better shot of the elaborate ceiling. Her upper body was resting against Vox’s legs, with her own legs spread out on the floor. Since she was wearing dark tights that day… well, that lead to what happened next.

“Everyone, everyone, I’m back! I’m back because I finally made the cure! I…” Baxter tripped over Velvet’s legs as he excitedly rushed into the hotel, tossing the solution in his open container all over the two Vs. “… Fuck,” was all he could say.

“Quick, Baxter, Chemical T! Which form did you use?!” Vaggie shouted. She’d run across the lobby in record time so that she could shake him by the lab coat lapels.

“The… the tetrahydrate form, I think?” Baxter said, sounding not all that sure of himself.

“Crap,” Vaggie sighed as suddenly, there were not two Vs in front of them… but one. Imagine, if you will, Vox with Velvet’s face on his screen and a pair of pigtails made out of cable wires.

“What… what have you done to me?!” the combined voice squealed in shock.

“Hit you with a potion that will cause you to fuse for approximately 16 hours,” Vaggie groaned. “And I hope to LUCIFER this won’t end up making another fusion hybrid... mmmmmh!” Charlie had run over to put her hand over Vaggie’s mouth before she said baby. However, her rushing meant that only Pentious and Angel were left to cover Alastor, as Arackniss and Seraiah had grabbed the other fusion babies and high-tailed it to a back room when they heard an Overlord was coming. While they were both big demons… so was the size of Alastor’s belly.

“Well… this explains what is going on with the streaming media, doesn’t it?! You fused the Radio Demon with another demon, and now he’s messing with me!” Vox demanded, although it sounded a lot more like Velvet’s voice coming out of his speakers.

“I… I told you, the spell only lasts for 16 hours!”

“That doesn’t rule out you casting it more than once,” Vox rightly pointed out. He was freaking mad, and so was Velvet. Not that you could separate their emotions at the moment.

Pentious noticed the lights starting to flicker. “Um… Angel…” he whispered. “Is that a bad sign?” The angrier Vox/Velvet got, the more the air started to crackle with static electricity, which seemed to be causing Alastor some discomfort. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up, peeking over Pentious and Angel’s shoulders.

“Oh, stop your whining! Do you really think I would intentionally fuse myself just to mess with you? Please! You’re not worth that much of my time or my thought!”

“Al, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be hiding,” Angel hiss-whispered.

“There you are, you cowardly cur!”

“Ha, what a foolish display of ignorance! I am not a cur, I am a Cervidae!

“You certainly look like a rotten hound dog to me,” Vox’s voice snapped back. They were starting to get the hang of controlling the fusion. “What’s wrong, can’t handle the fact that video killed the radio star? Come out from behind your pathetic friends and fight like a man!” The electric charge in the air was enough that now even Angel’s hair was standing up on end like Pentious’ hood.

“I am sorry, but I make it a point to never hit a _lady_ ,” Alastor mocked. A massive amount of electricity was pouring off of his body, hitting the electricity coming from Vox like two storm fronts butting heads on the horizon. The air was certainly reacting like a storm was coming.

“Ladies may not start fights, but they can sure finish them!” Velvet’s voice broke in.

“Al, this is a bad idea. You can’t be starting a fight with Vox like… like…” Angel tried to whisper. He didn’t fully get a chance to finish, as with a pop, all the light bulbs in the hotel exploded. A moment later, all the other electronics in the hotel went black, leaving only Vox’s glowing screen, still displaying Velvet’s confused face.

“Okay, what just happened?” Angel asked loudly to the darkness.

“This is just a theory, but I believe the opposing polarity fronts coming off of Vox and Alastor created such a strong electrical current that they essentially turned into an EMP weapon,” Pentious mused. “The pulse likely will have blackened entire blocks of the city. Oh dear, and tonight is the opening night of Hell-milton the musical. The streets are going to be crammed with cars with no functioning traffic lights!” Not that traffic lights were seen as more than a suggestion or a guideline in Hell anyway. It would just be worse than usual, and that was saying something. 

Before anyone could say anything further, there was a cry of pain from Alastor, and he slumped down. He might have hit the floor, had Angel and Pentious not been there to grab and steady him. He was shaking and holding his swollen midsection.

“Al, Al, you okay?! Why did you scream?”

“… My scales are quite wet, suddenly,” Pentious pointed out. “Mister Radio Demon, please do not tell me…”


	9. Streaming Media Download

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, surprise! It's baby time!

“What’s going on? Why are you screaming?” VelVox asked, clearly confused. This was not good. The last thing they needed was two Overlords realizing what was going on. Angel looked at Husk. Husk looked back. In unison, they nodded. With one swift move, each of them grabbed one of VelVox’s arms... and promptly shoved them into the nearest utility closet, locking the door and trying to ignore the furious screaming and pounding now coming from inside.

“Got their phones,” Angel said, waving them. He was good with his hands in more than one way. “They’ll be pissed, but that’s a problem for after we solve this one.”

Alastor was still only upright by the grace of Pentious holding only him, his hands digging into the snake hard enough to draw blood even though he was wearing gloves. Pentious was taking it remarkably well, barely flinching.

"Oh, walls are bleeding again," Husk noted dully. The radios around them had started to squeal as well.

"The walls aren’t all that is bleeding,” Pentious noted with a frown and he assisted the panting demon Overlord to the nearest couch.

"What do we do? Do we boil water? Is there a way to call a midwife? How can we find a demon who knows what to do?” Charlie panicked. She grabbed Pentious by both of his shoulders. "You had children as a human, what do we do?"

"I don't know! In my time fathers were distinctly not allowed in the room during birthing rites," he answered, his voice coming out in a wobble from the violent way he was being shaken. It was making him dizzy.

"Why is everyone screaming out here?" Seraiah demanded. When she saw the situation, she sighed. "Sinners are so useless! This is why you need imps. Yes, Princess, you need to boil some water, but you're doing it to sterilize scissors and clamps, not to make pasta. Do we have any clamps? Find something that will work. Get me a load of 70 percent ethanol while you're at it. Do we have gloves? Get me garbage bags and gloves!" she ordered, sending Husk and Niffty scrambling.

As she waited for her supplies, she handed Feli and Angel Two over to Arackniss. "All men out of the room except the sort-of-dad and my son," she said, shoving Arackniss, Angel, and Baxter into a back room, closing the door behind them.

"Why me?" Pentious asked.

"Because you have hypnotism, boy. We don't exactly have an epidural so you're going to have to be our stand in anesthetist."

"I... I've never tried using my powers on an Overlord before!"

"Now’s the time to try, honey. Oh, great,” she said as Niffty returned with supplies. “You’re a darling! Get those towels and garbage bags under our new mom if you don't want the furniture permanently stained. I'm also going to need to get those pants and any underwear off."

"I'm not... erg... I'm not undressing in front of all of you!” the Radio Demon huffed, tongue lolling out.

"Hun, that baby gonna come whether it's in your pants or out. At least this way I can help you. I've seen balls and I've seen pussy before. You can't shock an imp,” Seraiah informed him.

"... If... I... if... fine, but I am not letting that... that snake put any hypnotism on me," he angrily grunted, gritting his teeth. He was trying so, so hard to keep his signature smile through it.

"Your call, if you want to do it painkiller free," Seraiah shrugged. "Now let me see what I'm dealing with down here. I've never had to deal with a preggers man before... oh. Okay. This is new,” she said, once she got a chance to see what she was dealing with.

"What? What is new?" he demanded, trying to look over his massive, writing belly.

"There's... uh.. there's no other way to tell you this other than to just say it. There’s a portal down here. That explains how were got the other eggs without anyone noticing. They must have all come through portals."

"Why does my portal hurt and they felt nothing???" the angry deer shouted.

"Afterlife isn't fair. Portal seems to be increasing in size. I bet when it's big enough that baby is gonna pop right out. While this is a new one on me, I’ll admit that, I helped my mom deliver some of my younger siblings. I’m still the best option you have, so shut up and let me do my job.”

He stubbornly stuck by his statement that he didn't want any help from the snake for... longer than Seraiah had expected. But when the contractions finally became intense enough, he reluctantly relented. Why contractions were necessary to push a baby out of a portal… who knows?

"Okay, daddy, you're gonna have to hold momma’s hand. I see some movement on the other side of the portal," she shouted over the screaming and the threats to send all life in Hell. Satan, she stuck by her earlier statement. Sinners were such drama queens. "Squeeze tight! Here it comes, here it..."

There was a moment of silence when everyone held their breaths before a tiny scream broke through the air. A kicking little hoofed deer creature was in Seraiah’s arms. The scream sounded like… glitching static. Like the sound of static coming from a computer having problems playing it. The thing looked like a miniature Alastor, with a color swap. The squalling baby was colored with pink and gray in addition to some reds and blacks. The tuft hairs really were cat ears on the newborn. 

"Here she is, mom," Seraiah smiled. "She’s got lungs. Does dad want to cut the cord?"

"I'd rather... not..." Husk said slowly. Alastor was crushing his hand to a pulp. He needed a drink, badly.

Seraiah simply shrugged and took care of it, not having time for sinner’s nonsense. “Come on, mom. Hold her while I take care of everything else.”

A very hesitant Alastor looked down at the little kicky thing. She looked up at him, pinkish red eyes huge. Slowly, she a smile that went nearly from ear to ear. Then, the absolute most unexpected thing in the history of damnation happened. "I've only just met this creature, but if anything happened to her, I would kill everyone in Heaven and Hell," Alastor declared.

Freed from the Radio Demon’s crushing grip, Hush cautiously reached out. The tiny deer demon grabbed into his clawed finger. He flushed slightly. How could… how could something that came out of Alastor’s ass be so cute?!

"I'll set the placenta aside, we'll figure out what to do with it later," Seraiah noted. "The portal closed off as soon as everything was over so I'm hoping that means we don't have to worry about internal bleeding."

After everything was cleaned up and blankets had been found to cover up the new little family, the men were allowed out of the back, along with the other clone babies. The three babies looked intently at one another. It was… slightly unnerving. Like they were silently communicating with one another.

"I may love this thing, but I'm still going to kill you," Alastor informed Baxter, who gulped nervously.

There was suddenly a loud bang and the closet door burst open as VelVox fell out. “You’re going to have to get in line behind them,” Angel snorted. “I think they want to have words with him too.”

“What the hell?! What’s the big deal locking us in a closet?! And what was that cry… crying…” there was the sound of electronic crickets as the Overlords looked at one another, including a very obvious view of the wriggly infant.

"Quick! You're the princess of Hell. Order them to never speak a word about anything that happened, anything they saw, or they might have heard today without you sending them to the risk guillotine. Does the imp have to think of everything?" Seraiah shouted.

“Ummm… um… what the imp just said! All of it!” Charlie said, trying to sound confident in her words. “Because I am the Princess!”

“But… but… but… it’s soooo cute!” Velvet’s voice said, huge eyes sparkling on Vox’s screen face. “Wittle cutie wootie oh look at the wittle deer tail and the wittle hooves!”

Seraiah sighed and shook her head. These were supposed to be the Overlords, the superior denizens of Hell? "Now, what are we going to do about that... hey where did the placenta go?"

"I thought it was an energy snack," Al said, wiping a bit of blood off his mouth with the back of his hand. Yeah, they should have expected that.

“Look at the way the three of them are looking at one another. It’s like they know something we don’t,” Arackniss pointed out. And that was kind of creepy.

“So now that Alastor wants to keep his, can I keep mine?” Pentious pleaded.

Charlie groaned. “This has gotten way out of hand,” she sighed.

“Sinners aren’t supposed to be able to have children. How are we going to explain this? It’s not like we can keep them hidden away in the hotel until they’re old enough to pass for sinners. How will they go to school?” Vaggie realistically pointed out. She got a hiss from a possessive Alastor in response.

“Send them to a school for the kids of imps. Or Hell’s royal class. Again, you’re the ding-dang Princess of Hell. Who is gonna say no to you?”

“… My parents,” Charlie rightly pointed out.

“Do you really think they’ll care?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid of what might happen if they find out about the situation and aren’t… aren’t pleased with it.”

“Why wouldn’t they be happy? Or, rather, why would they even care?”

“Because it’s against the rules!”

“… Is it against the rules, really, or is it just not supposed to happen?” Seraiah asked. “And… your dad and mom are like… the ultimate rule breakers. If they try to hold you to some asinine rules, point out how THEY reacted to being subjected to arbitrary rules.”

“Damn, the imp is spitting truth,” Angel laughed.

“I told you, Imps don’t got time to deal with sinner’s bullshit. We be getting shit done.”

“Why is she making noises with her mouth?” Alastor asked in confusion as the little deer started to fuss.

“She’s probably hungry, mama, and you’re mammals. You figure it out. It’s not like we can get deer formula in Hell, and I don’t know if stuff for imps will work or not.”

Whatever color was left in the Radio Demon’s pale face drained out as the baby continued to fuss.

“… You can’t possibly ask me NOT to film this,” Velvet’s voice complained.

“They can, because I don’t want to see it. This has been weird enough, I’m going to go home and lock myself in a closet again until we unfuse,” Vox’s voice said from the same body. They started arguing and the body jerked around, walking like a supreme drunk as Vox tried to get back to the car and Velvet wanted to stay. Baxter used the distraction to slip away from the group.

“Princess? I’m going to need a raise,” Husk informed Charlie.

“Huh? How come?” she asked.

“Child support,” he groaned, looking between the three clone babies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking there are one, possibly two chapters left in this: Lucifer and Lilith's reaction, and a fast-forward to see what the grown babes are like. Can I hit 100 comments by then?? :P


	10. Meet the parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie's parents drop by to reveal new information.

Several days passed. All three babies, being born with an animalistic nature, were up and crawling by that time... which made keeping track of them interesting. After having lost Pentious the first time, they were being more careful about not losing them this time. Fortunately, they had Seraiah around, and she ran an incredibly tight ship when it came to keeping track of the babies.

Like her “mother”, Eamily, the little fawn (or perhaps, faun), kept a perpetual smile on her face. When she wanted to cry, she would hijack the nearest electronic device and produce crying noises from it. She never cried herself. She didn’t seem to like being alone and spent most of her time when she wasn’t eating or sleeping following either her ‘mother’ or Charlie around the hotel. Feli preferred to sleep as much as she could. Of the three, she was the most bitey. Angel Two, because they had been unable to agree on a better name for him, was constantly into trouble. The spider part of his genetics let him climb all the shelves. The cat part of him wanted to push everything off said shelves. His normal laugh sounded like Angel’s evil laugh, which was kind of creepy. He was every bit as good as his spider parent at raising Cain.

Just as the hotel crew thought everything was starting to go back to normal, came the knock at the door. Charlie was not prepared to open the door and find her parents standing there. She was so shocked, she almost slammed the door in their faces.

Pentious was the only one of the group who reacted like one would expect when faced with royalty and bowed politely to them. Everyone else either recoiled or took up a defensive stance, as if they had expected to have to start fighting. Especially Alastor and Vaggie, who both looked more than ready to die trying to fight the king and queen.

The royal couple, the power couple of the afterlife, the rulers of Hell entered the hotel for the first time since it’s conversion into the “happy” hotel. Lucifer fixed his gaze directly onto the two conscious babies and the sleeping snake. “Daughter. I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you’ve… finally done something right,” he finished.

“… What?” Charlie asked, baffled. You could have knocked her over with a feather.

“You’ve created your prophesized unholy trinity of demon warriors that will serve by your side when you ascend to the throne of Hell! … Even if right now, they’re an unholy trinity of… babies,” he noted.

“Prophesized unholy trinity?”

“Oh, did we forget to mention that?” he asked his wife. “Our bad. You’re supposed to have three Hell-born warriors who will stand by your side when you rise to Queen. I imagined someone from the line of the Princes of Hell. You’ve managed to surprise me.”

“They’re quite adorable,” Lilith cooed. Eamily was the boldest and approached her first. Despite how much it seemed to agitate Alastor, he couldn’t do much as she picked the little deer up and looked it over. If the whole unholy trinity thing was true, she was the obvious choice for future leader. “Hard to imagine these will be the prophesized warriors.”

“It makes sense to me. She can raise them to be exactly the warriors she wants them to be. I wonder…”

“Yes, my dear?” Lilith asked, rocking the deer girl.

“You know, I wonder if this miraculous development has anything to do with the fact that our daughter herself was conceived in this hotel.”

If she wasn’t already white, Charlie would have turned whiter. “I remember, dear! This was our love hotel back when it was originally in operation. Our private little place to snuggle when we needed to get away from the annoyances of the throne.”

“We did so much more than snuggle,” he grinned, giving his wife an eyebrow wiggle.

“Dear, not in front of the subjects,” she giggled.

“You okay?” Vaggie whispered.

“I was… conceived… in this hotel?” she whimpered. She could have lived her entire life without knowing that. Which room? Had she changed the mattresses in all the rooms? Her head was spinning with possibilities from this new information, and she didn’t like it. Vaggie gave her a reassuring shoulder pat, now knowing what else to do.

“Actually, darling, do you suppose we could borrow a room for old time’s sake?”

“You’re traumatizing her, darling!” his wife chided him.

“How did you know the babies were here?” Vaggie asked, hoping to change the subject.

“We know everything, dear. You can’t hide anything from us,” her mother pointed out. “Our apologies that we can’t stay and chat, we have a lot need to do accomplish. We’ll check in on your little future warriors as they grow.”

Staring after them, Vaggie commented, “That went better than I would have expected.”

“We worried all that time that the king and queen were going to read us the riot act for nothing?” Angel asked. “They’re actually _happy_ about it?!”

“Does this mean we should let Baxter out of the punishment corner?” Husk grunted. The fish had been tied to a chair facing the corner to ‘think about his actions’ for the past several days.

“Um, Angel?” Arackniss asked. “I just thought of something. Velvet and Vox were also fused in this hotel, and if this hotel being Charlie’s… conception place… has something to do with what happened… well… there’s no other way to say this. Have you noticed anything strange about the V’s lately?”

“Now that you mention it… I haven’t seen Vel or Vox in a while, and Val’s been acting really strange.”

“Do you think it’s possible that…?”

“Sweet Satan, I hope not.”

…

Meanwhile

…

“I thought your stupid shark thing was bad enough, what are we supposed to do with this!?” Val demanded. What looked like a baby Velvet in Vox’s blue and black color scheme was sitting on the table, playing with a cell phone.

“Look, she’s playing with a phone! She’s just like me!” Velvet cooed, eyes shining with joy. Vox just had an expression that was a combination of disbelief and embarrassment.

One Velvet and one Vox were more than enough to annoy the shit out of him, Valentino thought. Now he had to deal with one-and-a-half of each? He was not happy about this. Not happy at all.


	11. Sixteen years later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sixteen years later, we check in on our Hazbabies

….

Sixteen years later

….

Things had changed quite a bit around the hotel. Unwilling to leave his daughter behind, Pentious had put off the idea of redemption and had instead been hired on as the hotel’s maintenance man, since he could fix anything as long as it was analogue and not digital technology. Arackniss had moved in as well to help with raising Felicia and basically also raising Angel Two, as the regular Angel… well, at first, he was the regular Angel. Irresponsible, to say the least. But time in the hotel actually changed him, to everyone’s surprise.

No one was prepared for him to disappear one day, leaving behind only a bed filled with feathers. What startled everyone more was his reappearance about a week later, looking exactly like he had when he’d left them, except now with four wings and a halo. He announced that “Heaven was boring as fuck, plus I missed my Nuggets” and that he’d caused quite the commotion when he was there, so in a bid to get rid of him, the angels had agreed to let him return to Hell as the ‘hotel’s liaison to Heaven’. Val has tried to make him return to his old job once, and only once, when he’d discovered Angel’s shiny new position as an angel position gave him access to a heavenly weapon. They still allowed Vox and Velvet’s kid, Cupc@k3, to hang around the hotel. Just not Val himself.

But Angel hadn’t been done surprising them yet. You see… he’d also gotten his sister Molly a position as ‘hotel liaison to Heaven.’ So now they had all three of the spider siblings around, with two of them trying to poke the last one into leaving the mob and redeeming himself to join them as a Heaven liason. They were slowly loosening their father’s grip on him, like prying a spill of hot glue off brocade fabric.

This update isn’t about them, though. This update is about our four unexpected offspring.

Felicia Pentious was sprawled out on the couch, headphones on, listening to music on her phone when her relaxation was cut short by a voice breaking through her music. “Hey Felicia. Do you want to see something funny?”

She looked up to see Eamily, the streaming media demon, standing next to her. Despite being only a teenage deer demon, she’d easily surpassed her ‘mother’ and her father’s power, and the signs around town warning people to avoid the Radio Demon had been amended to include her existence. The weirdest thing about her was that she never spoke directly, always broadcasting her voice through a speaker. She wore one on a belt around her hips, just in case she ended up in a situation where no other speakers were available (despite that rarely happening). This meant she never had to break her creepy fanged smile other than to eat, which just added to her terrifying aura.

“That depends. Is it funny enough to make me get off this couch?” she asked. She was wearing a long black shirt with the logo of her favorite band, F*ck you grandpa, spread across it. She went through eyeliner and silver eyeshadow at such a rate that her ‘mother’ had to order it in by the industrial container. 

“Angel Two is going to launch himself out of a canon. I’m going to go light the wick for him.”

Felicia immediately got up. “I’m in,” she said brightly.

“Fabulous!” answered Eamily, and they both slipped away to the park, where a giant canon had indeed been set up.

“You ‘borrow’ the princess’ credit card again to rent this?” Eamily asked Angel Two as he strapped on his bright red helmet. You would think she’d keep it in a more secure location by now.

“I’ll be able to pay her back with the ad revenue I’ll get from this stunt!” You see, Angel Two had grown up to be every bit the performer Angel was… only his thing was doing crazy stunts and extreme sports, not stripping or adult film making. Which was good, seeing as how he was still a minor. Eamily was more than happy to egg him on, while Felicia and her mother’s literal egg minions watched and filmed.

“Hey, got the message and I made it down as quickly as I could,” Cupc@k3 said, panting as he arrived. While he may have been assigned female at birth, he’d started his transition around age twelve. He was filling out to be quite the cute young man. He hadn’t really changed his name, just preferred to be called “Cup” or “Cuppy” instead of the whole thing to reflect his status change.

“Did you bring the high res camera?” Angel Two asked.

“You bet I did!” Cup smiled. “Felicia, you gonna handle the boom mike for me?” he asked, and she nodded in agreement. Truth be told… both Angel Two and Felicia had crushes on Cup. 

“Funny that it’s a boom mike, cuz I’m about to go boom,” Angel Two quipped. Yep, he had Angel’s sense of humor too. It was almost like he really WAS a sequel to Angel, with some cat parts mixed in. Cat parts that fortunately allowed him to usually land on his feet, given his love of crazy stunts.

“I’ll handle the streaming of the video, as usual,” Eamily agreed. She lifted up her hand, showing a ball of flame in the palm of it. “Now, are we ready to get this canon ball rolling?”

“Bye Felicia!” Angel Two waved as he stuffed himself inside the canon. She just rolled all of her eyes in response.

.

No one back at the hotel suspected anything until they heard the distant ground-rattling boom, and realized they had no idea where any of the kids were. They found most of them at the park, trying to act like they had no idea how the giant canon has got there, despite it clearly having been recently fired.

“Come on, kids. We know this is Angel Two’s work. Where is he?” Vaggie demanded.

“Well… last we saw him, he was flying through the air,” Felicia finally answered slowly.

“But don’t worry, he had on a properly rated safety helmet,” Eamily cut in.

“Please explain to me what a safety helmet for launching yourself out of a canon is,” Vaggie answered back, crossing her arms and tapping her foot.

“Wait, wait, don’t get mad! I just got a text from my dad! He crashed through the windows at the studio, but he’s okay. He landed on something soft!” Cup interjected.

“Something soft? What did he land on?” Charlie asked.

“Uncle Val,” Cup grinned. He didn’t like his ‘uncle’ Val all that much, especially growing up having to hear all his misogynistic views on women. “Dad said he’d drive him back to the hotel after he got the glass cleaned up… but that he was also sending the hotel the bill for the window.”

“But his online patrons loved the show!” Eamily pointed out. “It almost got as high of ratings as the time he missed his jump while doing parkour and bounced between two twenty story buildings like a raging pinball the whole way down.” It was a good thing the demon children were every bit as durable as their parents, or Angel Two wouldn’t have lasted past age two.

“You are all in big trouble,” Vaggie groaned. “You’re going to spend an extra hour tonight in weapons practice to make up for this.”

The whole crew moaned and whined, but that wasn’t the worst punishment, so they didn’t push their fussing too hard. Vaggie had personally taken it upon herself to see the ‘unholy trinity’ properly trained, if they were going to protect Charlie someday.

Eamily was an expert on the spear. She handled it with as much skill as Vaggie herself, and with the flair her ‘mother’ had for using his radio staff as a weapon. She could also summon tentacles out of the ground to protect herself, although she greatly preferred to do her own fighting. She liked getting blood on her own hands. She especially liked the idea of her enemies’ life splashing across her huge grin while it drained from their defeated bodies. The other demon kids knew this, as she frequently spoke about it. She was as scary as her ‘mother.’

Angel Two trained himself on both guns and swords. He liked guns because they reminded him of his dad and uncle Arackniss, and they were his natural manifest weapon. He also took up swords on top of the guns because he felt they made him look ‘bad ass’.

Felicia preferred to use arrows, as the size of her body made getting into a melee fight without taking friendly fire difficult for her, so ranged attacks were more of her style. She could manifest whip weapons like her parent, but those would have required her to closer to the fighting than she was comfortable with to use. They were her last resort weapons, along with her venom. She had some hypnotism power, but it was really only of use in one-on-one situations, not chaotic battles.

Cup at some point had decided he wanted to be trained as a warrior for the princess as well, and he could naturally throw bolts of electricity. He basically had the power of a living stun-gun, and he’d been working on improving his strength and his aim rather than taking up an outside weapon. Even if he didn’t end up ultimately working for the princess, he wanted to have the strength to defend his parent’s empire.

“It’s kind of weird knowing you three are some kind of prophesized unholy trinity and I’m just… me…” Cup said as they were practicing. They were trying a new technique, where he would try to electrify Felicia’s arrows as she shot them. So far, he had only managed to set them on fire. Well, flaming arrows were still a step up from regular arrows. “I feel like a fourth wheel sometimes.”

“Hey, we need a leader, and despite Eamily being the strongest… you’re better at leading than she is,” Angel Two pointed out. It was true. Once Eamily got a taste of blood (or any kind of action, really) she tended to go full out berserker, and they needed someone with a clearer head as a leader. Not to mention, when she really got excited, she tended to just flood all the speakers with squealing static instead of giving clear orders to the others. “Four wheels are more stable than three.”

“Speaking of stable, how badly did you crush the moth?” Eamily asked.

“Went through the glass and landed straight on him. That stupid fuzzy coat of his actually made a good landing pad,” Angel Two laughed. Cup snickered. He knew he shouldn’t, as his parents considered Val family, but… who said all members of a family had to get along?

“Sssssh,” a voice whispered, and Angel Two’s aunt Molly snuck into the practice room. “Don’t tell Vaggie, but I brought you cookies. I told her I was just going to check that you were all still working hard.”

“Thanks, auntie,” Angel Two said, stuffing two in his face at once. Cup didn’t really need to eat, as he had a cord for a tail that he plugged into electrical sockets to power up, but he could if he wanted to. Felicia ate like a snake, which was sometimes terrifying. And Eamily… they knew she ate. She had strong opinions on food, being quite the food critic. But strangely, no one ever really saw her do it. To catch a glimpse of her with her mouth open was like catching sight of a pure white unicorn in Hell. They’ all seen her open it at least once, so they knew she could do it, but she preferred to be seen with her frozen smile mask on. Only her eyes would betray her real feelings, as she could obviously roll them when she thought what was happening in front of her was stupid.

“You know you aren’t bad kids, even if you do sometimes get into trouble.”

“We appreciate the compliment, Molly, but the fact is that we are Hell-borne demons, and we’re likely all going to end up protecting the princess of Hell herself.”

“That’s not a bad thing, though. We’re all friends, and working with friends makes a job fun,” Felicia quickly added to Eamily’s comment. “Even if that job is fighting off bloody threats to the royal throne of Hell.”

“The unholy royal trinity and their leader, Cuppy,” Angel Two joked. “All for one and one for all and all that shit. As cheesy as it sounds, our friendship is our strength.”

“That’s not cheesy at all, it’s beautiful,” Molly responded to him, eyes shining with happy tears.

“No, it’s cheesy,” Easmily said.

“Mmm-hmmm,” Felicia agreed, and Cup nodded.

“You three are just jealous I got the hottest bod of the group,” Angel Two said, sticking out his tongue.

“… The hottest, you say?” Eamily grinned, lighting the fire in her palm again. “Would you like me to make that literal?”

“You can be such a bitch sometimes, E,” he said back with a shake of his head.

“I’m not a bitch. A bitch is a female dog. I am a doe,” Eamily pointed out. She paused. “Is there a specific word for female snake?”

“I could look it up,” Cup offered, having the internet connected to his brain.

“It’s okay, I don’t really care,” Felicia replied. “I am proud to be not a bitch, but THE bitch.”

They sat together quietly, enjoying their cookies and the break from training. “You know, even if we do end up in some kind of weird war for control of Hell… I’m glad I’ll be doing it with you three,” Angel Two said, and the others nodded in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you can figure out why her name is spelled Eamily.
> 
> Also, Angel will never admit to it, but wanting to be better for his kid is why he got redeemed, and then why he came *BACK*. With Molly. After all, shouldn't she meet her nephew?? (He only said he only missed Nuggets because he didn't want to seem mushy)
> 
> They consider Husk almost like a grumpy old man grandpa, good for telling them stories and occasionally hanging out with, but none of them are super close to him. Eamily is closest to Alastor, Charlie, and Vaggie. Angel Two and Felicia are closest to Pentious and Seraiah. Cup is closest to Velvet, although he gets along with Vox, who absolutely dotes on him. He does not like his 'uncle' Val.


End file.
